Unmasking Autism: My Best Tips

Unmasking Autism takes work. And for those of us with a late Autism diagnosis, there’s even more unmasking to be done. Though very liberating and rewarding, unmasking is also overwhelming and exhausting. The decision to unmask isn’t one to immediately jump into. Unmasking is scary, because while we’ve already accepted our unmasked selves, the rest of the world hasn’t yet.

At 21, I first learned l was autistic, and at 24, I was officially diagnosed. I’m 25 right now, and wow, have the last few years been a wild ride. I’ve unmasked so much, and I’m still unmasking. It’s an ongoing process that continues to teach me so much about myself! It hasn’t always been easy, but I know it’s why I’ve experienced so much personal growth in the last few years.

what is autistic masking?

As I learned more about Autism, I saw more of my real self for the first time. I learned about the term ‘masking’, and realized it applied to me. Masking is when an autistic person either consciously or subconsciously hides autistic behaviors to blend in, and it doesn’t come without serious mental health consequences (hello anxiety, burnout, and, depression).

For the first time, I was finally beginning to see this false self I’d accidentally created. I was a little overwhelmed by this revelation, and I also felt like a bit of a fraud. I’d always wanted to be an authentic person, but I was so masked and repressed that I didn’t know where to start.

What does autistic masking look like?

Autistic masking and unmasking will look different for everyone. Autistic masking may be choosing not to stim in public, forcing eye contact, or pretending to laugh at something that others find funny. For some, it means discouragement from pursuing interests not deemed ‘socially acceptable’ or feeling pressured to always be agreeable, bubbly, and energetic – this was part of the mask that I wore for years.

To learn more about what masking looks looks like, check out this article, ‘Putting On My Best Normal’ by the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders.

examples of unmasking autism:

• Freely stimming in public.
• Avoiding eye contact that feels uncomfortable.
• Giving yourself permission to be blunt and direct.
• Explaining to others when you need to leave a social situation with no shame.
• Responding genuinely to a question instead of overthinking about what the ‘correct’ response should be.
• By telling others about sensory needs.
  

It’s now been about two years since I’ve started unmasking. While I still have so much of myself left to unmask and discover, I’ve already made a lot of progress that I’m proud of. Here are the things I’d go back and tell my younger self if I could:

• Start when you’re ready and go at your own pace.
• Reach out for support and be gentle with yourself.
• Remember that everyone won’t accept the unmasked you, and that’s okay.
• Love every part of your unmasking journey.
• Do creative activities that bring you in touch with your authentic self.
• Get excited for everything you have left to discover about yourself.
• When you’re ready, show off your authentic, autistic self to the world.

Start when you’re ready and go at your own pace.

There’s so much talk about why to unmask, and not enough talk about when to unmask. If you’re in any kind of unsafe work or living situation, keep that mask up for your protection. If I ever have any question about my safety at any time, I always put the mask back on.

Aside from your personal safety, you may not feel ready to deal with all of the emotional and mental work involved in unmasking. For whatever reason, you may not yet be comfortable with coming out as autistic, and you’re afraid that others wouldn’t understand. That’s perfectly fine, and it’s important that you do whatever feels right for you!

masking doesn’t mean you’re being fake.

Whatever the reason, remember that choosing not to unmask right now doesn’t mean you’re being fake. It just means that you’re doing your best to protect yourself in a society that wasn’t built for you. Before I started getting comfortable with unmasking, I spent a lot of time by myself learning how to own my autistic identity. The more I learned to own my real self, the more confident I felt about showing her to the world.

When you do decide to start unmasking, remember that you can go at your own pace. You don’t need to unmask in any drastic ways that feel super intimidating you. Your beginning unmasking process can be as simple as giving yourself permission to not feel guilty about not making eye contact with people because you feel like ‘you have to’.

I also want to mention that in some situations, it’s totally fine to put the mask back on again, even after you’ve already unmasked. Why? Simply put, for self-protection. Protection from a dangerous situation, and protection from more trauma. Unfortunately, not everyone likes it when we take off the mask. Autistic people often face so much hate and misunderstanding for being themselves. When that happens, it’s totally okay to put the mask back on temporarily. Especially if you feel you’re in a dangerous situation where someone might hurt you. I really want to emphasize that!

Reach out for support and be gentle with yourself.

Unmasking Autism is a beautifully liberating experience. But, I’d be lying if I told you there wasn’t also a lot of exhaustion and overwhelm that comes with it. There will be days when unmasking feels beautiful and easy, and there will be days when it all just feels like too much.

On those days, that’s when you need to be especially gentle with yourself. Care for yourself however you need to – and try listening to your body to help you understand what might help you. How long has it been since you’ve eaten anything? When was the last time you got fresh air or exercise? Maybe what you need most is a good nights’ rest or a power nap.

Practice getting good at self-care, but also have loved ones you can turn to when unmasking Autism just feels like too much. Make a phone call with a friend (if that’s the sort of thing you enjoy), set a coffee date, send a text.. whatever you have to do. Just make sure you’re reaching out for some kind of support – even if that support just looks like reaching out to members of the #ActuallyAutistic community or joining an online Autism support group.

Above all else, remember that you’re never alone in your unmasking experience. We’re all in this together, and together we’re stronger.

Remember that not everyone won’t accept the unmasked you, and that’s okay.

Unmasking is kind of like minimalism. As you unmask, it gets a lot easier to see who is genuinely with you and who isn’t. There’s much less bullshit, because unmasking typically repels all the people who only want the masked you.

It forces you to be yourself, which then leaves you no choice but to surround yourself with those who fully accept and love you for your authentic self. You might have to wait a bit longer for these people, but I promise you that you’ll find them.

If you’re currently unmasking and struggling to find acceptance, keep looking. Don’t focus on all the people who judge you or try to make you feel ‘less than’. Those people aren’t you’re people, and because of your unmasking, they’ve shown you that they don’t appreciate your authentic, autistic self. You only deserve the ones who will, and the more quickly you can forget about those who don’t, the faster you’ll find these people.

Be thankful for every part of your unmasking journey.

Unmasking is a process that unfortunately not every autistic person will get to experience. Yes, unmasking Autism can be quite exhausting at times. But, at least you’re getting the gift of unmasking at all.

Sadly, some autistic people live their entire lives never knowing why they’ve felt so different. Many just accept the heavy burden of masking as part of a normal adult life, never realizing that a lot of others around them aren’t also experiencing the same thing. Most never see the weight of the burden they carry, and that breaks my heart.

It breaks my heart because that used to be me. I put so much pressure on myself to say the right thing, make good eye contact, and smile at everyone who walked by because I knew they were the ‘correct’ things to do. I put intense pressure on myself to get these things right, and when I couldn’t, I felt terrible. For years, I beat myself up so much.

As I learned about Autism and unmasking, this burden that I was never aware of before finally began lifting. For the first year I knew I was autistic, I constantly found myself crying tears of relief – life didn’t have to feel so hard after all, and I could stop guilting myself for not being able to live up to neurotypical expectations.

the gift of unmasking Autism

I’m saying all of this because while unmasking can be very difficult, it’s a beautiful gift that not all autistic people will have the opportunity to experience. The gift of seeing themselves exactly as they are, and then slowly uncovering that person for the world to see, too.

Unmasking is a lifelong process, and every part of it is filled with beauty I never would’ve experienced had I never discovered my autistic identity. This thought fills me with so much gratitude and makes it so much easier to keep loving the unmasking process, even when it’s hard.

do creative activities that bring you more in touch with your authentic Self.

Doing activities that fuel your creativity is an amazing way to get back in touch with the real you. What activities have you always enjoyed doing? Whatever they are, they are creative, and you owe it to yourself to do them. Maybe you like painting, playing music, cooking, or drawing pet portraits. Personally, I’m a fan of all forms of journaling, wearing vintage style, writing, and sometimes doodling things.

When you’re doing these activities, completely toss aside any ideas you have about what the things you create are ‘supposed to look like’. Your creativity is completely up to you, and it isn’t about fitting any certain mold. This is something that I’m always reminding myself of as I write, and it’s definitely helped me find more of my voice as a writer.

Who cares if what you create sucks? Everybody sucks sometimes, especially when they’re first starting something new. You have to give yourself permission to fail, to be messy. When you keep writing mediocre song lyrics and pushing through messy first drafts, you’re going to get better. But, the only way to get better is to keep creating and never give up.

Maybe you haven’t done any of your favorite creative activities in years. That’s okay! There’s never been a better time to start than right now. As you nurture your inner child through pursuing your creative interests, you’ll start to heal. You’ll discover yourself more, and as a result, you’ll become more in touch with the authentic you that’s always been there.

If you want to hear more about my unmasking journey and how I’ve been finding my way to creativity again, check out my blog post, Unmasking and Reclaiming Creativity as an Autistic Adult.

get excited for everything you have left to discover about yourself.

After nearly 22 years of intense social masking and repression, I found myself feeling lost and more out of touch with myself than ever before. “How did it ever get this bad?” I used to wonder to myself. For the first year after I learned I was autistic, I spent a lot of time being sad. Not sad about the fact that I’m autistic – sad, because for years, I had no way of understanding myself or coping with anything.

It took some time before I saw the amazing opportunity that was right in front of me – the opportunity to finally begin knowing my real self. I was very out of touch with her, but that only meant I had even more of her still left to discover.

As I began shifting my perspective, I no longer felt sadness. Instead, I found so much joy in discovering myself. In the last few years, I’ve fallen so in love with my real self. Every day, I’m becoming more like her, and less like the masked, always bubbly and socially conventional girl I subconsciously created to find acceptance.

Today, if you’re feeling sad because you’ve realized that you don’t know yourself, I want to encourage you. I want you to see the amazing potential that you have to discover yourself for the rest of your life. It’s okay if you’re struggling to see the difference between the real you and the masked you. I’ve been there myself, and it gets so much better. As long as you stay committed to self-discovery, you’ll be amazed at who you can become in only a short amount of time.

when you’re ready, show off the unmasked you to the world.

This is the hardest, scariest step. But, it’s also the most rewarding, liberating one. It’s okay if it takes you a while to get here! It took me over two years after learning I was autistic to get to this point. Hell, it took me the first year to even realize all the ways I masked! I’m still learning this, even today.

Today, people are craving authenticity more than anything. Not everyone will appreciate your unique brand of authenticity, but there will be a lot of people who do. A lot more than you might think, too!

When you have the courage to be nothing but yourself, the world benefits so much from that. Your authenticity is one of the best gifts you could ever give yourself and the world. When you feel ready to unveil the real, autistic you, the world will thank you for it. It will also benefit a hell of a lot from it, too.

Just make sure you don’t wait too long to do this – after all, we all only have one life.

Conclusion

Wherever you are on your unmasking journey, I hope you found this post helpful. Unmasking Autism takes a lot of work, but the work can’t compare to all liberation and joy you’ll find in knowing yourself and showing your authentic self to the world. As you unmask, please remember that, and don’t put so much pressure on yourself to unmask overnight. It’s all a process, and it’s okay if it takes you a little bit longer.