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The Center for Disablity Rights defines ableism as “a set of beliefs or practices that devalue and discriminate against people with physical, intellectual, or psychiatric disabilities and often rests on the assumption that disabled people need to be ‘fixed’ in one form or the other.”
Ableism can be intentional, or it can be totally unintentional. But, ableism isn’t just about abled people discriminating against disabled people. Very often, ableism is internalized by disabled people, and this creates an entirely new kind of harm.
As a woman diagnosed as autistic at 24, I’ve had a lot of experience with my own internalized ableism.
I’ve beat myself up for being in my mid-twenties and still living at home.. because according to society’s standards, I should be able to be a ‘normal’ twenty something who can afford to live on their own and be financially independent by now.
After my last breakup a few years ago, I told myself, “You’re never going to find real love someday, because you’ll never fall in love with someone who loves and accepts the real you. You’re better off alone, and you’d only be a burden to someone else.”
In addition to being autistic, I also have ADHD. I’ve struggled a lot with executive dysfunction, which for me, basically means that it’s hard for me to structure myself and complete tasks.
In my darkest moments of depression and low self-esteem two years ago, I told myself that I’d never be able to accept myself because of my executive dysfunction.
These are just a few examples of internalized ableism, but there are so many more. Internalized ableism is very real, but by relentlessly choosing to believe in your inherent worth, you can overcome it.
Here’s how I’ve been doing just that.
remember that your worth is inherent because you exist.
Did you know that your existence is a miracle? According to science, the odds of you becoming a human being were about 400 trillion to 1. Yet, your parents had sex, and here you are! Congratulations dude, you made it.
You’ll never be able to accomplish anything or become anyone that will make you any more worthy than you are right now – the mere fact that you were born gave you all the reason for worthiness that you ever needed.
Having a ‘normal’ body (whatever the hell that even means) won’t make you more worthy. Nor will being financially independent, having a successful career, being in a good relationship, or any other external factors.
Society has trained us to believe that our worth is dependent on these things, but it’s not. We’re worthy because we exist, and that worth is found from looking within.
Relentlessly believe in your worth.. ESPECIALLY when you don’t feel it.
Any resistance that you feel towards embracing your worth comes from societal programming about all the ways you think you’re not measuring up. It’s not the real you!
Ableism loves it when we question our worth and tear ourselves down. It would love to convince us that we’re worthless and broken because of this and because of that.
But whatever ‘this’ and ‘that’ is for you, remember that it’s all bullshit. It’s all the false stories about your worth that were projected onto you by society.
These stories feel true to you, because your mind has been trained to believe them for years.. but are you ready for some good news?!
You don’t have to keep believing these stories. You can choose to unlearn them!
As you unlearn these stories, you’ll want to make sure that you’re practicing self-love, so be sure to check out my blog post, How to Practice Self-Love as a Neurodivergent Adult.
our focus is everything
Fact: What we focus on expands. If we’ve only been focusing on negativity, of course that’s what’s going to feel most natural to us. We just have to give our minds a chance to get used to things like self-love and positivity!
This involves rewiring our brains to change these deeply held stories and beliefs. It’s a process, and sometimes it’s one that hurts like hell.
But as they say.. the only way to is through. It will either have to hurt like hell for a while, or it will all stay the same. If it stays the same, it will ultimately hurt like hell the most.
As you relentlessly begin rejecting these stories, even when everything inside of you is screaming that they’re true, you’ll believe them less and less.
Just a little over two years ago, I was battling a combination of the most intense anxiety, depression, and feelings of low self-worth that I’ve ever experienced. It’s been quite a fight, but I’ve healed from so much of it.
I’ve spent nights crying on my bathroom floor, crying myself to sleep, and having days where I felt so depressed that I could barely motivate myself to do anything.
Today, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. I love and like myself.. and I truly feel at peace with all of me.
If you’re relentless, you will feel this same love and peace. Stay focused on who you’re becoming, have faith, and never give up on yourself.
Surround yourself with others in your disability community.
As an autistic adult, this is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.
Seeing other people like me is what helped me truly begin to accept myself. Because, I realized that if I’d never judge them for their differences, it clearly made no sense for me to continue judging myself for mine.
I highly recommend finding a community for your disability. Facebook support groups have been wonderful for me. Being apart of the #ActuallyAutistic community on social media has also helped me a lot, and it’s helped me find new friends.
Whatever you do, please seek out some kind of disability community. When we see others like us, we gain even more understanding about ourselves. We often find answers to important questions about our disability, and we find new ways to work with ourselves.
Most importantly, we gain more compassion for ourselves, because we’re able to relate so strongly to the strengths and struggles that others like us have.
Learn to view every moment of perceived inadequacy as an opportunity to smash internalized ableism and patriarchal constructs.
As much work as I’ve done to actively reject internalized ableism, I still catch little pieces of it that come up in my consciousness at times.
Only now, I’m much better at recognizing it and calling it out. No matter how much work we do on ourselves, we’ll still feel inadequate at times.. and ableism will still try to tell us we’re unworthy… and when it does, be prepared to put that that bastard in it’s place!
The more that we practice self-love, the less we’ll feel like this. But, we’ll still have times that we’ll feel inadequate.. that’s a guarantee for every human alive.
If feeling this way is inevitable (at least every once in a while), we need to reframe how we view these moments.
Challenge: The next time you catch yourself feeling unworthy, remind yourself that these feelings are a chance. A chance to reject disgusting social constructs about self-worth that are rooted in ableism and patriarchy, and a chance to believe in yourself a little bit more.
If you’re struggling to let go of unworthiness, you can choose to see believing in your inherent worth as the perfect opportunity to tell ableism to go fuck itself, because that’s exactly what it is.
Do this by speaking or writing something like: I am loved, I am worthy, and nothing will ever change that. Any resistance that I feel towards believing this comes from harmful social constructs that are lies, and I let go of all feelings of unworthiness that I feel in this moment.
Remember, every time that we choose to believe in our worth, that belief only becomes more real to us. When we learn to view these feelings as opportunities to to find more self-love, self-worth, and self-acceptance, our world changes.
stop holding yourself to unrealistic expectations.
This can be a hard thing for many in disability communities. We want to do and be as much as we can. But sometimes, we forget that we can’t do everything like other people.
While we should definitely work with ourselves and strive to do better, we also have to know our limits. We can’t do things exactly like everyone else. If we try, it will only bring us more sadness, stress, and frustration.
This is something that I’m constantly working on. Having ADHD, I’ve set unrealistic expectations about too many things, too many times in my life.
I’ve also spent a lot of time feeling super shitty and overwhelmed because of these expectations. There have been countless times when I’ve told myself that I’d be able to get an insane amount of work done in a short time, only to barely finish any of it.
There are still times when this happens to me. However, it’s been happening much less as I’ve been learning to be more realistic in my planning and goal setting.
We all have different limits, and we have to know our limits. While it may feel painful to accept that we can’t do things like everyone else, it’s even more painful to continually set expectations that we can’t live up to.
remember that it’s not lazy or selfish to need more rest and accommodations.
If anyone tries to tell you that you’re selfish or lazy for needing these things, that’s some ableist bullshit that’s a lie. Don’t believe it!
You’re not lazy or selfish for needing more time alone, more sleep, or anything else.
All you need to do is whatever is best for you and your body. Your well being always comes first, and you should never feel bad for doing the things that you need to do for yourself.
consider sharing your story with others.
When I started sharing my story of being a late diagnosed autistic adult through this blog, I wasn’t expecting how much it would help me.
I started this blog with the intention of using my experiences to empower others like me. In doing so, I’ve become more empowered myself.
It’s felt amazing to publicly share so many of the things that I’ve wanted to share for years.
At first, I was really scared to share my story. I was scared to show other people the vulnerable parts of myself that I’ve been most insecure about, but once I did, I felt so free.
I felt free, because I wasn’t holding it all inside anymore. Because, for years, I was so scared that I’d be rejected for sharing all of my insecurities and struggles.
But I wasn’t. I’ve found freedom, connection, understanding, community, and so much more. Even if I had been rejected, those rejections would’ve shown me who I didn’t need in my life anymore anyway.
Sharing my story has also taught me something incredibly powerful:
When disabled people see other disabled people like them loving themselves and owning their stories, they become empowered to do the same.
conclusion
Internalized ableism is quite the beast to overcome. So, please be gentle with yourself as you begin doing it. If you catch yourself having any ableist thoughts, don’t beat yourself up for them.
Instead, be grateful, that you’ve recognized these thoughts, because now you can let them go. You’ll have to keep choosing to let them go, but that’s exactly how to overcome internalized ableism – by deciding to keep believing in your worth, no matter how unworthy you feel.
If you keep doing this, it’s going to be so worth it. Just trust me.. and from the words of Emperor Palpatine, just do it!
