4 Consequences of Autistic Masking

Oh, the consequences of autistic masking.. where to even begin? (If you don’t know what that is, check out my first post in this series ‘What is Autistic Masking and What Does it Look Like?’)

Masking Autism helped me survive the first 21 years of my life before I had any idea I was autistic. I’d always felt different, but I never knew why. Growing up, I struggled with fitting in, connecting with my peers, and expressing myself around others.

People felt like a mystery to me.. as did socializing. It felt like everyone had social skills but me, and I couldn’t figure out why. I also didn’t want to admit that to myself, because I was ashamed of it. Why couldn’t I figure out what seemed to come so naturally for other people? What was wrong with me?

For years, I carried shame over the fact that I learned social skills by observing others practice them. I learned the right things to say, how to carry myself, and how to blend in. Masking has helped me some, but it’s hurt me more than anything. It may have helped me ‘fit in’, but in doing so, it also made me subsconsciously bury my authentic self. In this post, I’m going to share the 4 biggest consequences of autistic masking that I’ve personally experienced.

what you can expect:

• I’ll explain how masking taught me not to trust myself.
• … and how it caused me lots of stress, anxiety, and depression.
• I’ll share how masking made it hard for me to understand myself.
• I’ll tell you about burnout, and why masking makes it more of a problem.

Autistic Masking not to trust myself.

Instinctively, I learned to always look to other people for the answers, and never myself. Because in my mind, they were always right and I was always wrong.

Anytime I attempted a creative project like a drawing or a story, I could only see everything wrong with it. I had no idea what it meant to ‘trust your gut’. Also, I’ve always been a very anxious person, though I only realized it a few years ago. That definitely didn’t make it any easier for me to trust myself, either.

Anytime someone put down an idea I had, I’d usually agree with them. I used to do that unhealthy thing of putting everyone on a pedestal so often. It wasn’t until after learning that I’m autistic that I noticed that pattern for the first time!

One of the most painful moments in my unmasking journey was when I realized how much I didn’t trust myself. I think it was painful, because at the time, I had no idea how I’d learn to do it. This is something I’ve worked on, and am still working on right now – meditation has helped me a lot. It has taught and continues to teach me how to build self-trust.

Meditation brings me in touch with the still small voice inside of me. The same one that’s so easily be muffled and by work, excessive media consumption, concern over what we’re going to eat, and other life stuff that keeps us busy.

When we meditate, journal, do yoga, pray, stare at our ceiling, or whatever, we’re training our minds to find out peace and trust from within. If you ask me, that’s pretty fucking powerful! There are many ways to build self-trust, but that’s how I’ve been learning to do it.

One of the consequences of autistic masking is stress, Anxiety, and depression.

This is another one of the consequences of autistic masking, and it’s one of the most immediate, frustrating ones. That’s because it takes so much energy to wear the mask. Then, you’re left with the disappointment of still not feeling seen for your authentic self.

As an extremely shy and introverted autistic girl, I was under so much stress from going to school everyday. I was highly motivated by severe social anxiety to be the best, most well-behaved student I knew how to be. It was the only way I knew how to survive!

At home, I was exhausted from wearing that mask. Because I was blessed to grow up in a loving family, I never doubted that they’d accept me. I felt safe around them. Because I felt safe around them, I also took out a lot of the stress, anxiety, and depression that I experienced on them. This is extremely common in children on the spectrum. Many are perfectly behaved at school, but at home, it’s another story.

As a now diagnosed autistic adult, I still find myself feeling anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed from wearing the mask. Fortunately, I work from home, so wearing the mask isn’t needed most of the time. But, I always feel the effects of masking when I’ve been around people for a while. Especially for an extended period of time, like a vacation or something.

If I’m around people even a little more than I usually am, I feel it. Anytime I sometimes default to masking in public, I’m always exhausted after.

If you want to understand more of why autistic masking creates so much stress and exhaustion, check out this wonderfully written article that explains it well.

I Struggled to understand myself a lot.

Through wearing the mask I wore, I learned that fitting in was everything. Because it was so easy for me to listen to other people, and just ‘go with the flow’, I lost so much of myself.

At 22, I had no idea who I was anymore. Or, if I’m being really honest, who I’d ever been in the first place. I realized that I’d placed an unhealthy importance on pleasing people, and I’d never taken the time to know myself first.

Hell, I realized I’d never even taken the time to question whether I even liked the people I was trying so hard to please! At first, these realizations made me incredibly sad. I felt so lost and empty. I spent time grieving for the me that I could’ve been, had I had I known then what I know now.

If you’re reading this, and you can relate to how I’m feeling, remember this:

Yes, it sucks that we spent years struggling, and not understanding ourselves. But, why focus on that? We’ve been given the rest of our lives to know ourselves and grow ourselves more. Let’s not waste it!

Burnout

Burnout is no joke. Though I’ve never experienced severe burnout, I have experienced lower levels of burnout from masking.

For those of you reading this who work full-time, burnout is a very real problem. Balancing a full-time job while also managing other life stuff is a lot for anyone to manage. For many on the spectrum, this is immensely difficult.

For autistics, working outside of home means forcing uncomfortable eye contact, possibly suppressing stims, using social scripts, and more. Not to mention the sensory hell of bright lights, weird smells, chatter of co-workers, and all the other noises.

At work, a masked autistic is very professional and ‘put together’. However, that persona takes tremendous effort to maintain. Wearing the mask, especially when it’s for professional reasons is incredibly draining.

Some find that they aren’t able to maintain it without other areas of their life falling apart. Others are better suited for professional environments, but still struggle to manage it all.

If you’re reading this and feeling incredibly burnt out, please be gentle with yourself. The only thing that makes burnout and other executive functioning challenges even worse is when we shame ourselves for them. Whether your burnout is short term, or whether you’ve been burnout for years, always remember that.

Give yourself all the rest you need. Challenge yourself to do what you know you can handle (whatever that is, there is no shame). Be patient with yourself. Understand that depending on your situation, it may take you a while to fully recover from burn out. The trick is accepting that while continuing to take every day at a time. Any progress is still progress!

conclusion

As you can see, these are just a few examples of the harmful effects of autistic masking. While there are a few benefits to autistic masking, we can agree that it’s done much more harm than good. Masking brings us so out of touch with ourselves, that we forget who we are. It teaches us to trade our authenticity for approval and to settle for less than what we want.

These are all of the consequences from autistic masking that I’ve personally experienced. Was there anything that I missed? What consequences of autistic masking have you experienced? Let me know in the comments, send me an email, or shoot me an Instagram DM. I’d love to hear from you!