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At 21 years old, I came to the realization that I’m autistic. After hearing the term ‘autistic masking’, I learned that I’d been subconsciously doing it my entire life. For the first time, I saw how the mask I never knew I was wearing had helped me survive in a world where I’d always felt so different, but never knew why.
IS masking learned or taught?
So, what is autistic masking? Autistic masking is defined as either consciously or subconsciously hiding autistic traits to blend in and appear neurotypical. Masking is also used to gain friendships, relationships, careers, and social status.
Some autistic children are taught to mask by their parents, teachers, and therapists. For those like me who didn’t know they were autistic until adulthood, masking was subconsciously learned by observing other people’s body language and conversation patterns.
Autistics are really good at recognizing patterns.. and deep down, even as undiagnosed autistic children, we know we’re different. Desperate to fit in however we can, we learn to watch others and copy what they do.
Their handshakes, facial expressions, the inflection they use in their voices.. and so on and so forth. It often takes time for us to perfect these behaviors, but we do, and we blend right in.
Is masking Just an autism Thing?
Autistic people aren’t the only ones who mask. To a certain degree, everybody masks to survive. It’s just that autistics rely more heavily on their masks to survive, and they mask in ways that are specific to Autism. Those with neurotypes like ADHD, OCD, and Bipolar mask their differences too, but in different ways.
What does Autistic Masking Look LIKe?
Holding it together in public and falling apart at home.
As a kid, this was so me. I only felt safe to be myself when I was at home with my family. No matter what, I knew that they’d always love me.
I didn’t have this same feeling at school, church, or pretty much anywhere I went outside of my house. I instantly felt anxious around anyone I didn’t know well. I was especially timid and withdrawn in groups of more than 2 or 3 people.
Yeah, school wasn’t a great time for me. I learned to manage the constant state of anxiety I experienced by being quiet, following the rules, and blending in.
I barely spoke unless it was necessary. My teachers were concerned and mentioned this to my parents, who couldn’t understand it. I was constantly talking to them at home! My teachers still weren’t convinced, and I was moved from kindergarten and put back in preschool that year.
Looking back, I now understand this as selective mutism. The stress and anxiety of being at school was just too much for my anxious little self to handle. As a result, talking felt terrifying! So, I saved it all for when I got home. I was so careful to do everything as perfectly as I could at school, because I was driven by the anxiety to not stand out at all costs.
It’s too stressful to always wear the Mask
The perfectly behaved, quiet, patient girl at school often became the irritable, depressed, lethargic girl at home. Especially as I started puberty at the early age of 9 (which did not help by the way). I took the anxiety I didn’t realize I was experiencing out on my family all of the time.
The anxiety of wearing the mask was taking a toll on me, and I didn’t even know I was wearing it. The older I got, the more I learned to be the peppy, happy girl who was always okay. While I could wear that mask around other people, I couldn’t maintain it at home.
It was just too damn exhausting. From about 8 to 12, I spent a lot of time alone feeling lethargic and depressed. I slept constantly. I was becoming more aware of my differences, but I couldn’t make sense of them… or if there was even any justification for why I felt the way I did in the first place.
Withholding stims or stimming discreetly.
If you don’t know, stimming is a form of self-regulation for autistics. Stimming is any form of repetitive movement that’s used to soothe or calm. Everybody stims, but autistic people just stim a lot more! If you’re looking for calming stim ideas, check out my post, 11 Calming Stims for Autistic Adults.
When neurotypicals think of the concept of stimming, many think of the stereotypical hand flapping stim that represents many autistics, but definitely not all. We all stim differently. Some stims are socially acceptable, and some aren’t.
It’s each person’s personal choice to choose their stims and whether or not they do them in public. Personally, I stim very discreetly when I’m around other people. For example, doing things like rubbing my nails against my fingers and rubbing my fingers together helps me stay more present, focused, and grounded.
Pretending to be okay and doing anything to meet neurotypical expectations.
I’ve faked being okay sooo many times. Too many to count. As a kid, I didn’t understand how florescent lights affected me, or why it was so easy for me to zone out in groups of people. I didn’t know how to manage my energy, and I’d be on the verge of a shut down.. but somehow, I’d hold it all in until I could find a quiet space alone.
As autistics, many of us are able to hold up our masks so fucking well. So well that many people often doubt us when we tell them we’re autistic.
“But do you don’t look autistic! You look so normal!” they say. Many have been told similarly invalidating statements by doctors who insist they’re ‘fine’ and not autistic, because they’re married, hold a job, or have kids.
Many people only see our masks
We’ve learned to fake being okay so well. Because for a while, it was the only way we knew how to survive. We wanted to be able to be okay with all the things that neurotypicals are usually okay with.. like attending parties with ease, making eye contact, driving, meeting new people, etc.
Whatever we felt like we had to be to fit in, we did our very best to become it. Even when it didn’t feel right for us, we did it anyway. Because more than anything, we just wanted acceptance. Yet, we still struggled to meet neurotypical expectations, we very often fell short of them.
Looking back, I now realize that my motivation behind my masking was driven by my desire to ‘feel okay’ and accepted. Not only by other people, but to myself, too. I needed to convince myself that I was okay, ‘normal’, and not broken. When I cried, this was always the deepest fear that came back to me, and I never knew why.
Learning to go along with a lot of things that don’t make sense to you.
Because I learned social rules, cues, and expectations by observing them in other people, it felt more and more natural for me to blindly trust all the things that didn’t make sense to me. Subconsciously, I believed that other people always knew better than I did.
I looked to them, and I learned how to replicate social greetings, facial expressions, a different tone of voice.. The older I got, the more I perfected these behaviors until eventually, they just became a part of who I am.
I used to pretend to like hugs and actually feel things when people hug me. But I didn’t like them, and I felt bad for not liking them – because I was supposed to like them, right?
Conclusion
Autistic masking is a different experience for each autistic person. But, I think those are a lot of the ways they’re most similar. Sometimes autistic masking is learned, and sometimes it’s taught. While it can be used as a tool to protect autistics against abuse and bullying, wearing the mask can also create a lot of depression, stress, anxiety, and burnout.
To an allistic, masking looks effortless. But to autistics, it’s anything but effortless. It takes so much effort, and often, no one but autistic people and those closest to them are aware of just how exhausting it truly is.
