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Making friends as an autistic adult – from personal experience, I know this isn’t always easy.
For most of my life, making friends has been so hard for me. As a little kid in elementary school, I was baffled by how easily the other kids befriended each other. It was like, they knew some kind of secret magic that I didn’t.
Incredibly shy, I clung to whatever friends I could make, and I felt completely lost whenever I wasn’t with them. Growing up, I typically only had a few close friends at a time. I wanted more friends, but I also didn’t know how to make them. A few years ago, I doubted that I’d ever find the kind of friends that I wanted most.
making friends as an autistic adult is so possible if you don’t give up.
Today, I’m happy to say that that couldn’t be further from the truth. In the last few years, I’ve made so many amazing new friends, and I’ve also reconnected with old ones. I never dreamed that I’d be able to make these connections, but I have, and I’m incredibly thankful for them.
If finding friends is a struggle for you, I completely understand how you feel. I know how it feels to feel like you’ll never make the friends you want.. but trust me, you can! Your people are out there somewhere for you to find. You may not find them easily or all at once, but you will find them if you don’t give up.
In this blog post, I’m going to show you how to have the right mindset when making friends, how to attract the right friends, and what you need to do to find those friends. Making friends as an autistic adult may sound impossible to you, but I promise that it’s very possible.
Here are all the things that I’ve learned about making friends as an autistic adult in the last few years.
1. When Making friends as an Autistic Adult, Be your own best friend first.
The best way to make great friends is to be your own best friend first.
What hobbies or interests do you enjoy? Do you know how to be kind to yourself? Can you enjoy doing a few things on your own without always needing someone else to be there? Do you spend time just enjoying your own presence? Do you take yourself on dates, or make the time to do things just for you?
These are just a few examples of all the ways that you can be your best friend. When you’re your own best friend, you’re not desperate for a friend. You’re fully content in your own being, and you don’t need anyone else to complete you.
Best of all, when you’re in this empowered mindset, you’re more likely to attract the kind of friends that you want most. Because, when you’re fully and freely yourself, you’ll attract other awesome people who also think you’re awesome!
Furthermore, if you were to ever lose any friendships, it would ultimately be okay. Because, you decided that you were going to be your own best friend first, and you’ll always have yourself. No matter what!
A huge part of becoming your own best friend is learning how to give yourself more love. Check out my blog post, Self Love for Neurodivergent Minds: 6 Best Tips.
2. Try not to try so hard.
This is something that I still have to remind myself of. Having anxiety, trying hard around people was the only way that I knew how to survive for years.
Constantly editing, overthinking, always looking for approval.. this is what trying too hard looks like for me. I’m not going to tell you to stop trying so hard. Because, as a person with a lot of social anxiety, I know what a joke that is. Even on my best days, I’m still having to remind myself not to try so hard.
But I will tell you to try your best not to try so hard. Your best will look different all the time. So, as you continue trying not to try so hard, it will only get easier overtime.
Also, when we aren’t trying so hard, we aren’t worried about what other people think. We’re fully, freely, and beautifully ourselves.. unmasked, and uninhibited. We attract the right friends into our lives, and repel the wrong ones. As a result, we develop real, meaningful friendships that we are most deserving of. Best of all? We didn’t even have to try so hard to find them.
3. Look for communities that revolve around your special interests.
This is how I’ve met almost every single friend in my life now.
A few years ago, I met a bunch of my friends through someone I met online on a pinup fashion group on Facebook. I’ve made friends at Disney and special events I’ve attended. This year, I’ve made friends by joining a local writers group, as well as as online communities for personal development and spirituality.
As autistics, we’re given a lot of shit for being so called ‘narrow’ in our interests. Parents of autistic children often encourage their kids to be more balanced (which is certainly useful and healthy to an extent), because they want to teach them to talk about things other than their special interests.
And there are a lot of people out there who won’t like that.. but guess what? There are the right people out there who share our interests, and who’d absolutely love talking about them with us. That’s why our power in making friends comes through our special interests.
So, what are you interested in? What do you already love talking, writing, or thinking about? If you haven’t already, see if you can find any online events or communities revolving around these topics. And, whenever the pandemic is over, in-person events and meetups revolving around these topics
Where to Find FRiends ONline:
- Facebook groups
- Looking through the hashtags for your special interests
- Specific forums for your special interest
- Social networking sites like Reddit and Discord
- Special virtual events being held for your special interests
- Being a part of paid programs and online communities that revolve around your special interest
4. Decide to only be friends with people who think you’re awesome.
If you make this choice, you have no logical reason to fear rejection from anyone. Because, in order for someone to be your friend, they have to think you’re awesome, just like you should think the same about them.
If someone doesn’t think you’re awesome, they’ve already helped you make your life a lot easier. Because now, you only have more room in your life to surround yourself with the right kind of people who do.
By first deciding that you only want to be friends with people who think you’re awesome, you’re sparing yourself the pain of rejection and setting yourself up for genuine connection.
5. Don’t keep putting in the effort when other people Won’t do the same for you.
This hasn’t been as much of a problem for me in friendships, more so with dating. But, the process of dating is a lot like the process of making friends, and this advice applies to both dating and friendships, so listen up.
You deserve so much more than anyone who is just leaving you breadcrumbs when you’re the one putting in all or most of the effort. Healthy relationships of any kind are about two people prioritizing each other equally.
I used to be the kind of girl who absolutely clung to any attention that I got from men. In my days of casual dating, I was the girl who would respond to every single message, even though most of those messages would have been best left ignored.
Once I found someone I really liked, I found it really hard to let go of them. I lived for any attention that I could get from them. Whenever I got this attention, it was never the kind that I wanted, but it was just enough to keep me interested.
That’s what a bread crumb is. In my almost 26 years of living, I’ve accepted too many damn bread crumbs from too many people, and I’m done. If you’re the one putting in all or most of the effort in a relationship with very little in return from the other person, you deserve so much more. Take that as a sign to move on and leave more space open in your life for people who deserve it.
6. View Every Interaction that doesn’t Turn out like you hoped as practice.
Not everyone is going to want to be friends with us, and the truth is, we aren’t meant to be friends with everyone, either. So you reached out to someone new, and they didn’t reciprocate the same interest in developing a friendship that you had – that’s okay!
The point is to focus on interacting and connecting with more people. The more people that you interact with, the greater chances that you have of finding genuine friends. If someone doesn’t want to be your friend, it won’t matter, because you’re creating more opportunities to find friends all of the time.
Every interaction that you have with someone else in your search for making friends is practice. Practice for helping you express more of your authentic self, and practice for improving your communication skills. That’s why there’s no need to sweat any awkward moments or social blunders that may come up.
When we can see all of these interactions as practice, it’s a lot easier for us not to sweat any of the awkward moments and social blunders that may (and probably will) come up. We become less attached to the outcome of those interactions, because overtime (and with a lot of practice), we learn to learn whatever’s going to happen, happen, and value the process above all else.
We see how all of it, even the so called ‘failed’ interactions are still pushing us forward and helping us grow.
Think of it like this – if you didn’t get the outcome you hoped for, reframe the situation into an opportunity that will help you find the right friends more quickly – because, it will.
7. Be patient and trust the process.
It may take you awhile before you find the meaningful connection and friendship that you deserve, and that’s okay. Because, you’re playing the long game by trusting the process, and trusting in the Universe to lead you to all the places where you’ll meet your friends someday.
They are coming, but in the meantime, you already have the greatest friend of all – you. Remember, you are what you’ve always been waiting for. The more that you awaken to that belief, the better you’ll get at being your own best friend. Ultimately, this is what will help you attract the genuine friendship you want most.
So basically, just remember that you’re always awesome, and that you’ll attract the right people into your life at the right time. Because, you hold all the power inside of yourself to make that happen.
Conclusion
Without a doubt, making friends as an autistic adult is so so, possible. I promise! No matter how hard or lonely it may feel at times, always keep believing and trusting in that. Remember that, and always remember that finding great friendships always starts with being your own best friend first.
That being said, I want to end this post by leaving you with a challenge. What is one small step that you can take today to start being more of a friend to yourself? Identify that thing, and then commit to doing it, whatever it is. Then, send me and email or comment below and tell me what you did!
Was this post helpful for you? I’d love it if you let me know in the comments. If you have any other tips for making friends as an autistic adult that that I didn’t mention above, please share them. Feel free to send me an email with any additional questions that you have, too! 🙂
