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Low self-esteem, feelings worthless, a deep lack of belonging, the feeling that everyone hates me… These are all things I’ve had quite a bit of experience with in my life. Until two years ago, they were pretty much my norm.
Then, I found out that I was autistic, and had ADHD.. and suddenly it all made sense.
I’ve learned to embrace my differences, but I’ve also become aware of the challenges they’ve created for me. Four years ago, I had no understanding of them and couldn’t make sense of them at all. I never knew why eye contact sometimes felt so uncomfortable and weird. Or, why I felt so socially awkward. In school, I was almost always the last one to finish the test. Always the last one to get the joke.. and always the girl singled out as being the quiet, shy one.
These are just a few examples of little ways I stood out as a kid. All these little things added up, and they took a massive toll on my self-esteem for years. Trying to live up to a neurotypical standard was painfully exhausting.. and I’m beyond thankful that I’ll never have to do it again. Learning that I’m neurodivergent has brought me so much self-love that I know I wouldn’t have found otherwise.
Self-love is a practice you can build on.
After years of seeing myself so negatively, consciously choosing self-love felt so hard at first. But after a lot of practice, I’ve made amazing progress. Today I am happier and experience more love for myself and the world than ever before… but I still have my bad days.
That’s why I find it helpful to see self-love as a practice to build on. It won’t happen all at once, and it’s not something you’ll ever fully arrive at. Even if you’re feeling bad for not loving yourself as much as you should, you can see that as an opportunity to better love yourself now.
I am so passionate about helping you realize more love for yourself. Because for so long, I had such little love for myself – and that’s why I’m writing this blog post. To show you that self-love is absolutely 1000% possible for all neurodivergent minds. I hope you find it helpful. Most importantly, I hope it inspires you to see yourself with a greater sense of love and compassion.
Remember that you are not alone.
Some people may not be able to relate to the same crippling, overwhelming feelings of worthlessness like my past self used to constantly feel (since you’re reading this, maybe you can relate). Mental health struggles or not, we all find loving ourselves hard at times. And let’s be honest – most of us would say we have at least a few challenges with our mental health these days.
Before learning about Autism and ADHD, I struggled to accept myself so much. I didn’t know how to not feel exposed and alone every time I experienced an awkward social interaction.. or when I accidentally blurted out something I didn’t mean. Or when I misunderstood something so obvious to everyone else.
Things like these would happen to me all the time. I couldn’t understand or make sense of them. Eventually, I just started believing they were normal. They continued happening, and I continued suffering in silence, not knowing how different I actually was.
Awareness is empowerment
Learning about my brain has completely changed my life. Before realizing that Autism and ADHD could be possibilities for me, I only saw my struggles and quirks as unique to me. I’d always felt different, but I never knew there were other people who felt the same way. When I learned that a lot of what I’ve experienced wasn’t normal, I felt so free. I felt empowered.. and so comforted to know that other people have experienced the same things I’ve experienced.
Whether you’re autistic, have ADHD, or something else, we’re all humans struggling with something. It can be easy for us to feel alone in our suffering.. but we’re never alone. Some days, it’s feels especially hard for me to break out of my head and connect with people. Social anxiety mixed with a lack of nonverbal communication skills can sometimes make me feel very sad and alone. I feel so isolated, but then I remind myself that there are other neurodivergent people out there feeling exactly like I am. Remembering that reminds that I’m not alone, because suffering is a part of the human experience.
When you’re finding it hard to love yourself, tell yourself exactly what you’d tell your friends if they were feeling that way.
I’ve been so blessed with amazing friends who love me for who I am, and vice versa.
One night I was crying in bed and feeling like complete shit about myself. I was feeling so terrible about how bad my executive functioning was at the time. Not waking up until 4pm. Struggling to get any work done, feeling scatter brained, and having super low energy. I thought something along the lines of, “This is the one thing about myself that I will never be able to accept.”
I had that thought. Then, I immediately thought about what I’d tell my friends if they told me what I’d just told myself. I thought about what they’d tell me if they knew how I was feeling.. and I realized it made no sense for me to tell them to love themselves if I couldn’t do the same for myself.
That moment has become my reminder to love myself when it feels the hardest. I don’t always succeed. But I’m constantly getting better, and I love myself now more than I ever have in my life. That sure as hell deserves to be celebrated!
Remember that you wouldn’t be you if you didn’t also have your unique flaws.
I’m a highly optimistic person who finds it easy to see the good in bad situations. I can also be so optimistic that my optimism becomes delusional.. I try too hard to see the good in something that isn’t. Or, I’m completely unrealistic.. like when I say I’ll stay up late, wake up early, and finish my work by noon. Never actually happened before.
Being too optimistic about what I’ll realistically be able to accomplish has been so hard. Mostly, because I’m constantly struggling to keep up with my expectations. Some days, I feel so badly because I didn’t accomplish even half of what I wanted to. On those days, the old me would have wasted a ton of time beating herself up and depleting even more of her energy.
But the new me knows better. I give myself a few minutes to wallow in my shame and sadness (super important, by the way). Then, I finish crying, and take a deep breath. I remind myself that I might not be the same happy, optimistic person who sees good in everything if I didn’t also struggle to manage my expectations. I choose to focus on that, and appreciate and accept all parts of who I am.
We all wish that we could be different at times.. But wishing doesn’t do anything, other than rob us of the opportunity to love ourselves as we are. Right here, right now. You are you, and nothing you can do can ever change that. So decide to love all the parts of yourself today.. because without them, you wouldn’t be who you are.
Please know that sometimes you’re right and other people are wrong.. and vice versa.
I so wish that I could go back in time and tell myself this.. because it was much needed. I learned to mask so much as a kid. Eventually I realized it was safer for me to trust other people and just blend in. Because if I trusted myself and did things my way, I might do it wrong.. and then other people might laugh at me or see me differently.
This was so, so damaging. But it’s the only way I knew how to cope for my first 21 years of life. I wasn’t even aware of what I was doing.. and I wouldn’t become aware until learning I was likely autistic.
Learning about masking gave me the permission I needed to fully be myself. I finally stopped putting other people on a pedestal. Stopped seeing myself as ‘always wrong’ or ‘not enough’. For the first time in my life, I could truly see and love me for me.
If you can relate, please know that you are not alone. Know that sometimes people are wrong, and you’re right, and you need to not let them tell you otherwise… or just politely nod and smile, but secretly ignore that shit. Whichever works for you.
The more mindful and curious you become about yourself and your mistakes, the more you can grow.
Can you relate to focusing on all of the things about yourself that you think are horrible? And then getting really down and feeling bad about them.. which usually then results in a massive shame spiral?
Lately, I’ve realized how much energy I waste by being upset about those things.. and protecting my energy has become super important to me. Instead of reacting emotionally to negative thoughts and feelings, I’ve been trying to see them logically.
Definitely much easier said than done, though. Sometimes I have to fight like hell to protect my energy.. and sometimes I don’t protect it enough, and then I get burnt out. Then, it takes me a few days to get my energy back. I usually get behind on my work.. which then creates the perfect opportunity for stress and anxiety to take over.
The old Katie would have given into all of the anxiety and gotten very overwhelmed. She would have felt worthless and spent the next few days being sad.. because she can never live up to the high expectations that she has for herself.
The new Katie sees how unproductive all of this is. She still feels the anxiety.. but she’s looking for what she can learn from it. On the days when she feels the saddest, she’s getting better at loving herself through the sadness. She knows that curiosity and mindfulness are so much more productive than misery and self-loathing.. and she knows that her feelings are trying to tell her something.
It is unrealistic to think that we’ll be able to be the person that we want to be all the time. No amount of personal development will be able to save us from falling short of our expectations. We’ll still have bad days, and we’ll still have moments that feel so difficult to bear.
I’ve tried so hard to to avoid those things, and I’m done. Because I’ve learned that the more I avoid them, the more pain I create. I’ve accepted that these moments will be inevitable from time to time. I’ve realized that all I can do is my best, and use my negative feelings for as much good as I possibly can.
Feelings are sometimes a bitch, but you can learn how to make them your bitch. They are teachers.. and they hold the power to teach us amazing things about ourselves. We just have to be brave enough to listen to them.
A few questions to ask yourself:
- What is the thing that I’m most afraid of, and why am I afraid of it?
- If that thing actually happened, what’s the worst that would come from it?
- What can I learn from this failed experience to make the next one better?
- How can I use this pain that I’m feeling to get more in touch with myself?
- How can I use this experience to create something beautiful out of my pain?
- What is the thing that my uncomfortable emotions are trying to get me to notice?
Remember that self-love is a journey, not a destination.
In closing this post, I’d like to remind you of this. We all may be in different places in our self-love journey, but we are still on that journey.. and we will never not be on that journey. If you’ve realized that you don’t love yourself like you want to yet, that is absolutely okay.. that only means that you have even more joy and wonder inside of you left to discover. Just realizing that is amazing, and a super important step that will bring you to a deeper place of self-love. Instead of feeling bad about where you aren’t, appreciate where you are right now.. and don’t forget to be proud of how far you’ve already come.
You have so many amazing things ahead of you.. so, don’t forget to appreciate and find beauty in wherever you are on your self-love journey today. Because, by doing that, you’re opening yourself up to even more self-love!
