Unmasking and Reclaiming Creativity as an Autistic Adult

At almost twenty-five years old, I was diagnosed as autistic. This only confirmed the self-diagnosis I’d given myself three years earlier after first really learning about Autism. I realized I’d learned to fit in by suppressing my real self from a very young age. While this helped me appear very normal, and gain the approval of others, it completely killed my self-esteem, creativity, and confidence. This is known as masking.

Masking is when an autistic person either consciously or subconsciously hides certain behaviors from others to gain approval and social acceptance. Masking is the envy of all things creative. When I feel anxious or lost in a social situation, I sometimes mask this feeling by discreetly moving one of my nails across my fingers. This helps me appear calm and focused, and no one can ever tell. I force myself to make necessary eye contact even when it feels uncomfortable.. which is often. I’m constantly reminding myself to not take things too literally. To remember to read between the lines, and to not miss the thing that’s so obvious to neurotypical minds.

These are a few of the ways that I mask, and I know I’m not alone in my masking. Autistic people all across the spectrum mask. We’ve taught ourselves to mask, and we’ve learned how to do it by observing other people. We’ve seen the gestures and facial expressions they use, and we’ve trained ourselves to mimic them. Our masks have succeeded in hiding our Autism from the world, but they have also brought us deeply out of touch with ourselves and our creativity.

Creativity is not being afraid to fail

To be creative, you have to be okay with failing. You have to be okay with being wrong sometimes. You have to learn to not care what people will say when you are. You have to have confidence in your ability to create. You have to stop viewing yourself and everything that you do so critically. You have to keep believing in yourself and keep trying, even when the things that you create are mediocre.

Before I found out I was autistic, I had zero of these abilities. Subconscious masking controlled me for years. It kept me stuck inside a trap that only existed in my mind. Masking taught me it was better to be quiet instead of possibly being wrong, and being laughed at because of it. It taught me to automatically assume that everyone always knew better than I did. This made me completely lose the ability to trust myself. I was always second guessing, always blending in, and always feeling like a fraud.

When I started learning more about Autism in 2016, I couldn’t believe how strongly I related to it. A huge weight was finally lifting off of me, because I was finally seeing the mask. The more I learned about Autism, the more free I felt to be myself and to love the real me. Not the me that I’d realized had been built on wanting to fit in and please other people!

Since seeing the mask, I’ve been doing my best to get rid of as much of that old me as I can. Slowly, I’ve been identifying ways that I mask and making a conscious effort to stop. Sometimes I still find ways that I’m masking. Unmasking is a freeing experience, but it can also be a scary, intimidating one. Because while you already accept and understand the unmasked you, not everyone else does. It takes so much courage to be nothing but yourself.. especially when other people judge you or don’t understand (and believe me, some will).

If you’re a late diagnosed autistic (a self-diagnosis totally counts too), it’s okay if you’ve realized that you don’t really know yourself. Please don’t beat yourself up for that! Instead, focus on all the amazing potential that you have to discover yourself and your creativity right now.

Since learning I was autistic, I’ve been doing everything I can to get in touch with my creativity. I’ve learned that creative people believe in themselves, aren’t afraid to make mistakes, and don’t mind taking the road less traveled. I’ve been working hard to become this person. I realize how negatively masking has impacted my self-esteem and creativity.. and I’m determined to not let it affect the rest of my life.

In writing this post, my goal is to show you that it’s never too late to reclaim the creative parts of yourself that you think are lost because you’re just now learning you’re autistic. Like all people do, I firmly believe that autistic minds have something beautiful and special to contribute to this world. If you haven’t discovered what that is for you yet, know that there is no better time to begin discovering that than right now.

Here’s what you can expect to learn:

• Why higher levels of autistic traits are associated with creative thinking styles and why the world depends on our creativity
  
• My experience growing up as an undiagnosed autistic girl, and how masking killed my creativity and self-esteem for years

• Why it’s never too late to discover yourself and reclaim your creativity, especially if you’re late diagnosed

• My best tips for reclaiming creativity as an autistic adult
  

Why the world needs our creativity

In this 2015 study, it was found that higher levels of autistic traits may be associated with higher levels of divergent thinking. This is a creative type of thinking that explores many possible solutions to a problem. Divergent thinking differs from convergent thinking, which focuses on straightforward, logical solutions to a problem.

Both of these thinking styles are equally needed in our world. One is not better than the other.

Since there are so many autistic creators, scientists, inventors, etc in the world, this makes a lot of sense. Here is a list of just a few famous people throughout history who have either been diagnosed autistic, or who many professionals say are/were very likely autistic:

• Hans Christian Anderson – Fairy tale author of The Little Mermaid and many others
• Albert Einstein – Theoretical physicist best known for the theory of relativity
• Mozart – A brilliant composer of classical music
• Susan Boyle – A singer who rose to fame after appearing on Britain’s Got Talent
• Temple Grandin – Animal scientist and inventor of the ‘Hug Box’
• Andy Warhol – American artist and leading figure in the pop art movement
• Thomas Jefferson – Third president of the United States of America
• Dan Akroyd – Actor, comedian, producer, best known for Ghostbusters
• Sir Issac Newton – Physicist and astronomer known for Newton’s Laws of Motion
• Thomas Edison – Inventor and businessman credited with the invention of electricity
• Dan Harmon – the creator of Rick and Morty
• Tim Burton – film director best known for A Nightmare Before Christmas
• Greta Thunberg – Climate change activist known for The School Strike for Climate
• Darryl Hannah – Environmental activist and actress known for her role in Splash
  
  

As you can see, this is an incredibly diverse list of famous and successful autistic people! They’ve all made such meaningful and beautiful contributions to our society. If they hadn’t discovered their creative potentials, where would our world be without them? Seeing all of their amazing contributions inspires me so much. It reminds me that the world wouldn’t survive with only one kind of mind – the world needs all different kinds of minds!

To quote Mother Teresa, “I can do things you cannot, you can do things I can not; Together we can do great things.”

Some autistic people may never be able to do things that neurotypical people consider important.. like attend parties with ease, tie their shoes, carry on conversations, drive a car, etc. And they should not be shamed for not being able to do those things.

I believe they need to be encouraged to do all the things they can do, and celebrated for them. Because when they are, they are given a chance to thrive. And when they thrive, the world as a whole only benefits more from all of the amazing things that they give back to the world.

Growing up as the girl who didn’t know she was autistic

I had so many different interests as a kid. Fashion, makeup, writing, history, baking, and reading. I played with American Girl dolls, stuffed animals and wrote essays for fun (yes, I was that kid). I had an intense obsession with the Holocaust for a few years that made my mom slightly concerned. I brought my favorite books I’d already read to school so I could stare at them and reread my favorite parts. I was interested in so many different things, but I often found it difficult to hold my attention on one thing for very long (hello, ADHD brain). When I created something, my intense perfectionism always found something about it that was wrong. This discouraged me from finishing it or trying something else after. I left so many craft projects unfinished, and so many drawings barely started. I had so much self-doubt surrounding my ability to do almost anything.. and I didn’t know how to break out of it.

As I got older, this only got worse. I didn’t understand what I was experiencing at the time, but I can remember feeling what I now know was depression as early as nine years old. A lot of the time, all I wanted to do was sleep. My growing awareness of my mild social challenges and inability to connect with a lot of kids my age made me feel so sad and lonely. I often found myself crying, at a total loss for understanding myself or my feelings. I could find no words to make sense of the way I felt. This happened to me constantly. It never even occurred to me to tell anyone else how badly I felt. Truthfully, I wasn’t even fully aware of it myself!

When I wasn’t in school, the days all melded together due to my lack of awareness of time. Until a few years ago, I could never figure out where the day had gone, making me and my sleeping challenges even worse. The more I felt like this, the more normal it felt for me to be mildly depressed.. and the harder it was for me to be the creative person I wanted to be. I was in a very bad cycle. I had no idea how to get out, or that I needed help in the first place. Worst of all, all of these things were completely normal for me!

How masking killed my creativity

I believe that so much of the depression and anxiety that I experienced as a child stemmed from masking.

Both of these photos are a very accurate portrayal of what autistic masking looked like for me as a kid. In one photo, you see a seemingly happy, goofy looking ten year old girl rocking a thrifted dress and clinging to her purse full of stuffed animals. In the other one, you see a girl slumped over at home on the couch looking very sad.

In public, I worked so hard to appear as ‘normal’, bubbly, and talkative as I knew how to be. I look happy in the photo on the left.. but behind that ‘happiness’ was intense social anxiety. I felt knots of anxiety in my stomach every time I left the house, and especially when I was around a lot of people.

Being at home was where I felt safe. I’ve been blessed to grow up in a very loving family. I always knew my family was going to love me no matter what.. but I didn’t have the same confidence that other people would. I didn’t know how to express myself as a child when I was around other kids. But I did know how to be quiet, how to follow the rules, and how to blend in.. so that’s what I did.

I slowly learned to make friends.. mostly with a lot of other ‘weird’ kids. I was the girl who always seemed a little eccentric and offbeat, but never enough to raise any real concern. This became the person that people knew me as. But I couldn’t wear that mask 24/7, because it was so damn exhausting. At home, I was a very different person.

I was very moody.. starting puberty very early made that so much worse. I was lethargic and mildly depressed for years. I slept way too much. I didn’t know how to structure myself, and had a horrible time switching between tasks. I got easily angry with my family and took a lot of my anxiety out on them.

Other people never saw this side of me.. because at some subconscious level, I knew that they wouldn’t accept me if they did. But I knew my family always would. And while everyone else who knew me experienced some of the best parts of me, my family often experienced the worst parts.

I speak from so much personal experience when I say that masking requires tremendous effort. It’s led to so much exhaustion and burnout in my life. I never understood why I felt so drained after social interactions – especially ones with a lot of people and crowds. Making sure to maintain eye contact, but not too much. Trying my hardest to focus on the conversation and not space out, and sometimes failing. Remembering to stand an appropriate distance away from people. Imagining social interactions before they actually happened, and preparing everything I was going to say.

Masking was the only thing that made sense to me. It didn’t even occur to me that all of the stress and anxiety that I felt around people was abnormal.. I thought it was just who I was. I didn’t know that there were names for all of the things I was experiencing.

Masking helped me gain more friends. It helped me appear more calm and put together in social situations. Masking taught me not to trust my own thoughts and feelings, because I learned that it was safer to assume that everyone knew better than I did. It told me that something inside of me was so broken. That maybe one day if I tried hard enough, someday I could repair that brokenness. None of these things helped my creativity at all.

They only brought me self-doubt, self-criticism, and the overwhelming belief that nothing I did was ever enough. I tried to be creative well into my teen years. But the older I got, the more these feelings overtook me, and the harder it was. Anytime I tried to write something, do a craft, or draw a picture, I just couldn’t get past the beginning stages of those projects. I could only see everything wrong about them.

Consciously unmasking and seeing my real self for the first time

Once I realized that I’d been unknowingly masking my entire life, I slowly began to intentionally unmask. Sometimes giving a snarky, sarcastic answer instead of the poised, socially acceptable one I felt obligated to give. Giving myself full permission to not be interested in all of the things that everyone else is interested in. Sometimes avoiding all forms of eye contact and instead rocking sunglasses, headphones, and resting bitch face (my personal favorite).

The more I unmasked, the more I saw my real self behind the mask. The more I saw my real self, the more I was able to embrace my real self without second guessing or dismissing her like I’d always done before. This was the very beginning of me seeing myself for all of my strengths and flaws all at once.

It’s taken me a long time to say this, but after tremendous personal work, I am finally okay with all of me. Not just the good things about me that people loved me for. But the broken, flawed parts of me that I spent years trying to hide.. even from myself.

Seeing my autistic self and consciously learning to unmask has been the beginning of me finding my way back to my creative self. Back to the little girl who only wanted to create so many things, but who had so much self-doubt that only felt normal to her. This self-doubt kept her so trapped. It made her subconsciously believe that nothing she did was ever good enough.

I see that little girl now. I only feel so much compassion for her. I wish I could’ve been kinder to her. That I’d told her it was okay to not be perfect and to make mistakes. That making mistakes and creating less than perfect things was okay. And it would actually make her happier, more creative, and more successful in the long run.

But I can’t go back and tell her these things. No matter how much I want to. That time has passed, and all I have is right now. And I’ve decided I won’t be the woman in her sixties who wished she would’ve been kinder, less critical, and more accepting of the woman in her twenties. The woman who was only beginning to really see herself for the first time. I’m making the best of all the time that I have left on this Earth. I 1000% believe that you can do the same!

It’s never too late

There is no better time to discover your true self and embrace your creative potential than right now. Whether you’re first learning that you’re autistic in your twenties, thirties, fourties, or even later, know that you are not lost. Yes, it’s incredibly painful and hard to know you could’ve lived a better life had you been given a simple diagnosis. But remember – there is nothing you can do to change the past, and everything you can do to change the rest of your life now.

We’ll never get back the parts of our childhood, and even parts of our adulthood that were lost to undiagnosed Autism. All of that is gone, and all we have is right now. No matter how deeply out of touch you feel with yourself, know that you are not lost… and neither is your creativity. Instead of focusing on the years you’ll never be able to get back, get excited about how much potential you have to discover yourself now. Don’t let the shame of where you could’ve been stop you from living the life you want to live today.

Love yourself for exactly who you are and where you are right now. Accept and understand your struggles, but don’t judge yourself for them. Because without them, you wouldn’t be you. Expect that you’ll still fall short of the expectations of others and yourself. Use those opportunities to practice more self-compassion. None of us are perfect. It’s okay to make mistakes in your life, especially creative mistakes. When we can see our mistakes as teachers, we learn amazing things from them. In doing so, we also avoid a lot of shame, regret, and frustration in the process.

Here’s what I am doing to reclaim my creativity as a now diagnosed adult, and here’s how you can do the same.

Start feeding your mind with what inspires you.

I absolutely recommend finding creative people who inspire you and learning from them as much as you can. Being creative isn’t just limited to art or music. So many people are creative in so many ways that don’t fit what we think the creative type should look like. For example, I love listening to all kinds of different podcasts because they help keep me in a really positive head space during the day. I also get deeply inspired by people who have gone through horrible things, but still manage to make something beautiful out of them (hence my childhood obsession with the Holocaust). Nature inspires me. Music and books inspire me.

Find whatever inspires you, and start feeding your mind with those things.

I do morning pages Every single day.

Morning pages are a daily exercise created by Julia Cameron in her popular book, The Artist’s Way.

The Artist’s Way is a wonderful book that I’m slowly working my way through. Julia Cameron wrote this book to help artists of all kinds develop ‘a spiritual pathway to higher creativity’, as she says. Each section of the book is filled with exercises designed to bring you more in touch with who you really are so that you can start showing up more authentically for the things you want you to create. I’m already getting so much out of this book, and I’m not even close to finishing it yet.. but I’ve committed to the morning pages exercise every single day.

To do morning pages, you simply fill three pages full of whatever thoughts come into your mind. Not overthinking them, judging yourself for them, or writing them with the intention of showing them to anyone else. Just letting them flow and seeing where they take you.

The point of this exercise is to help you unblock anything that may be hindering your creativity.. like preconceived ideas that we get from society about how we should be. Morning pages have helped me unmask so much and let go of all of these things. They’ve helped me become more self-aware, more in touch with what I want most, and less concerned with what people will think of me.

I have a junk journal.. Or Journals.

A junk journal is so great to have, especially if you are pursuing any creative interests. I’m doing a lot of writing for this blog, and often a big part of writing a new blog post is writing down whatever random inspirations come to mind in my junk journal. I’ve kept so many journals for years. I always tried to structure them, but I ended up using the pages for whatever random thing popped into my head.. and then I always felt bad, because I could never properly finish a journal. So much of embracing your creativity is about giving yourself permission to fail without feeling bad about it… and this is exactly what a junk journal does for me.

do creative things just because.

There are so many hands on, creative skills that I want to build.. but I’ve personally found that it’s best for me to focus on one at a time so that I don’t get too overwhelmed. Right now, I’ve chosen to my focus on bullet journaling and other forms of art journaling. I’ve always loved calligraphy, colorful pens and markers. Bullet journaling involves all of these things, and I find it so relaxing and therapeutic. I’d also love to take up sewing, jewelry making, candle making, Putz house building, and so many other things.. but for now, I’m doing what I know I can focus on.

I have a daily meditation practice.

Meditation has totally changed my life. So many people say this, and they aren’t lying! It took me a while to get the hang of meditation (see my blog post, Meditation for Overactive Minds: 10 Best Tips). But once I did, I haven’t looked back. Meditation truly brings my mind into the present moment. It’s helping me become more comfortable with failing. When I meditate, I can’t help but feel a strong sense that I’m exactly where I should be in my life. This feeling helps me see all of the ways that my mistakes and failures have actually helped me, and how I can continue to learn from them. Meditation reminds me that even if I fail, I’ll still have so much opportunity to grow because of those failures. Remembering that brings me so much peace and confidence. It helps me trust the process and remember that everything will be okay.

I’m making a consistent effort to try new things.

As an aspie, I know that breaking out of your comfort zone can be really challenging and scary. But I also know that staying in your comfort zone is very lonely and will never bring you the kind of growth that you deserve. That’s why it’s so important to challenge yourself to try new things. If trying new things feels scary for you, just start with something small. As you get more comfortable, you can gradually work your way up into trying bigger, scarier things.

This year I took my first solo trip to Portland, Oregon. While this trip was not without some moments of anxiety and loneliness, it was an amazing trip. I got to explore the city, have good conversations with Portland locals, and take some cool tours… including a tour on a cannabis bus to Multnomah Falls where I got to smoke and hang out with other stoners while enjoying scenic views of the Columbia River Gorge.

I spend less time on social media and less time using technology in general.

While I’m extremely thankful to live in a time with where we have so much of the world at our finger tips, I also understand the harm technology brings.. particularly on our creativity. Constant social media scrolling and endless Netflix binges might give us a few hits of dopamine, but these aren’t the kind of activities that bring real meaning and spark creativity.

In the last year, I’ve gotten so intentional about the ways I use technology, especially social media. I realized how much time I was wasting and how badly I felt after constantly looking at all of the highlights in other people’s lives… so I decided to take a massive break and only briefly engage to keep up with friends and family.

That break was easily one of the best choices I’ve made. Because I’m very mindful of the times and frequency that I’m using social media, I actually enjoy it more. Even better, my creative energy is no longer being depleted by being stuck in self-comparison and feeling awful about myself. Now, I have more time to enjoy activities that genuinely make me happy and fuel my creativity, like reading and journaling. Win, win? I definitely think so.

I spend time in nature whenever I can.

Never underestimate how awesome nature can make you feel.. I remind myself of this when I’m feeling depressed, and don’t feel like taking a walk but desperately need the fresh air.

I work from home, and I end up multi-tasking a lot. Since I also have ADHD, sometimes multi-tasking is really great. If I’m having a lot of trouble staying focused on one thing, I can go back and forth between a few things and still get stuff done.

But the mental toll this takes is exhausting. I’ve learned that if I don’t take time to recharge, I’ll be very productive for a while, but then I’ll get burnt out.. which will then make me more unproductive (and slightly depressed). That’s why it so important that we all take time to unwind and recharge.

Spending time in nature is one of the best ways to do that. Because of a paper recently published by Scientific Reports, more doctors now say that 120 minutes spent in nature every week is enough to enjoy all the health benefits and greater sense of well-being that it can give.

I schedule time to just let my mind wander.

I’ve been a perpetual day dreamer my entire life, so this hasn’t been a difficult habit to adapt to.. only now, I actually schedule time to make this happen… because otherwise I’d definitely spend too much time doing it.

So after I’m done working or am taking a break, I set a timer on my phone for 15-30 minutes to let my mind run free.. which then usually leads to a lot of Google and Youtube. This is why I set a set a timer – because I’ve wasted too many hours telling myself ‘just one more video’ for too long.

i use movement to inspire me.

Movement is so important for everyone. For those with neurological differences like Autism and ADHD, it’s essential.

I find that I feel most creative, energized, and inspired when I’m moving.. whether that’s taking drives just because, doing yoga, working out, or taking walks outside.. or pacing around my house at night listening to my favorite music over and over again – just to keep it real. I never understood why I felt so much of a need to move as a child, but now I do.

After I’m feeling exhausted from working and staring at screens all day, I replenish my energy and creativity through whatever kind of movement I feel like doing. When I move, I feel free. New ideas and insights come to mind that inspire me so much. I’m able to fully immerse myself in movement and fully process all of my feelings in my own way.

Movement makes me feel alive. That’s why I make it a priority to engage in some kind of movement every single day.

Conclusion

I hope that this post has been helpful for you. Most of all, I hope it’s inspired you and helped you see that it’s truly never too late for you to discover yourself and become more creative.. no matter how old you are, and no matter how buried and lost you might feel. Please remember that you and your creativity are not lost.. it just might take you a little while to find it again.

Finding them is a lifelong process. When you learn to enjoy each step of the process, it makes it so much more fun!

If you’ve found this post helpful, I’d so appreciate it if you shared it on Pinterest or Facebook. And if you have any thoughts or suggestions you’d like to add, I’d love it if you left a comment below! Thank you so much for reading.