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When it comes to autistic masking, many of those on the spectrum often struggle to identify their masks.
(If you don’t aren’t familiar with the term ‘autistic masking’, check out this post I wrote. It explains it well).
After learning that I’m autistic, I started learning about masking, and how autistic people often create subconscious masks to hide their autistic traits.
I started wondering what my masked look like. At the time, I certainly didn’t feel like I was masking, but I definitely was. The problem was, my mask had become so much of a part of me that the real me had gotten buried behind it.
I know how it feels to feel so lost in the mask that you aren’t sure where the mask ends and where you begin. I definitely felt this way a lot.
At one point, autistic masking became so deeply ingrained in me that I felt like like an empty shell of a person who didn’t know who I was or who I’d ever been to begin with.
I knew that I wasn’t living authentically or being my authentic self. Yet, I had no idea how I was going to do that when I couldn’t even properly define my mask in the first place.. it was quite a frustrating, lonely time.
If this experience rings true for you, keep reading. Because while that time was very hard for me, I made it through, and I identified my mask – and I’m going to tell you how you can identify your mask, too.
1. pay attention to who you are when you’re alone.
This is who you really are. What parts of yourself do you hide from other people? Are you only comfortable expressing these parts of yourself alone?
When you’re alone, practice allowing yourself to just be. Drop all narratives and ideas about who you think you have to be, just be, fully and freely yourself.
When it comes to the core of who we are, there is no right or wrong way to be. It’s remembering that, and continually giving ourselves permission to be authentically ourselves that takes work.
Be, and then compare this state of being to how you are around people. I encourage you take notes on who you are in both situations. You’ll find some similarities, but I bet you’ll find even more differences.. I know that I certainly did, and still do.
By doing this, you’ll gain a much clearer picture of the authentic you and the masked you that was created to survive. With practice, it will start feeling more natural for you to choose the authentic you. Survival mode is over.
2. Do things that show you who your unmasked self is.
Things that encourage you to look deep within and see who you truly are. Activities that spark self-reflection, like journaling, meditating, taking walks, or going on drives.. or just staring at your wall in deep self-reflection totally works too. 🙂
Creative activities also show you who you really are. Maybe you like writing, drawing, playing music, dancing, whatever. If you’re stumped for ideas, check out this blog post for some awesome ones!
Pay attention to the things that you think and feel when doing these activities. Do you regularly express these things to other people? Or do you never or rarely express them out of fear and insecurity for being rejected for your true self?
Self-reflection and art are two powerful tools that show us who we are. Once we see more of who we are, it’s a lot easier to separate our real selves from the mask.
3. Ask yourself what feels natural to you, and if you’re resisting it.
Do you resist the urge to stim? Do you force yourself to make uncomfortable eye contact, hang out with other people when you’d rather be alone, and not pursue certain interests because of what others might think?
As autistics, it’s been ingrained in us by society that so much of the core of who we are is wrong. Bad, broken, damaged, impaired, and all the other lies about Autism that we know are bullshit.
At the same time, we may struggle to not believe those things about ourselves because of negative social programming that’s still affecting us subconsciously.
When you’re taught as a child that what feels natural to you is wrong, it’s incredibly damaging. Many of us (myself included) are incredibly busy unlearning all of who we thought had to be and learning what it means to be our authentic, autistic selves.
Whatever resistance you feel towards embracing what feels natural to you is all a part of the mask. The real you is always there just waiting to be fully embraced by you,
Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
Am I resisting or hiding what feels natural to me?
Why am I resisting them? Why am I hiding them?
What parts of me am I forcing that don’t feel natural?
Why am I forcing those things?
4. Start looking for your social and communication patterns and take note of them.
For me, this is an ongoing process. The layers of the mask are deep, and they take some time to properly peal back.. like a fucking onion.
The only way to peal these layers of social patterns back is by interacting with people more. Boo socializing, I know.. but socializing can teach us a lot about ourselves. Also, most people aren’t so bad when you get to know them 😉
Recently, I’ve gotten involved with a couple of online communities and groups, and have been apart of a lot of Zoom calls. While this has definitely been outside of my comfort zone, I’ve loved getting to meet new people and bond over shared interests.
understanding patterns at deeper levels
It’s also taught me so much about myself and my patterns. It’s showed me all the ways that I still view myself as an outsider in groups, still shy away from fully expressing myself, still second guess myself, and still try to blend in.
Seeing these patterns at deeper levels has helped me identify new levels of my mask that I wasn’t aware of before. It’s helping me let go of them, and become more free to be more of my authentic, autistic self.
If group calls and socializing outside your house make you uncomfortable, there are other ways that you can start noticing your social and communication patterns.
You can look for online communities for people who share your special interests. In particular, Facebook groups are a great place for this! If you love gaming, maybe you can make a few new connections while playing one of your favorite games.
If you’re comfortable, having conversations on dating apps really helped understand my patterns better and identify my mask, too.
As you’re having these conversations, whether verbal or written, pay attention. Give yourself time to reflect on them, and then ask yourself these questions:
What parts of my authentic self did I feel I didn’t get to express in that interaction?
Were these things not expressed out of fear of being rejected?
Did I show up as my authentic self in that interaction to the best of my ability?
Is there anything I did or said that made me feel out of alignment with myself?
Conclusion
It may time some time for you to fully identify your mask, and that’s okay. Autistic masking and unmasking are both some pretty serious, messy stuff.
While I’ve worked hard to identify my mask in the last few years, I still discover new little pieces of it sometimes.. and I know I’m not the only autistic who is alone in this.
All of the questions included in this post are here to guide you as you work to better understand yourself and your mask. Please don’t feel bad if you can’t always or rarely express your authentic self to others in the way that you want.
As long as you’re doing your best, that’s all that matters.
