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Hey guys, Katie here! This week, we have a special guest on the blog, Victoria Ellen! Victoria is an autistic advocate, blogger, and speaker. Her blog, Actually Aspling, details her life as an autistic adult, and is a wonderful resource for other neurodivergent adults navigating life in this neurotypical world. Today, Victoria shares her experience of going through puberty as an undiagnosed autistic girl. I hope you enjoy it, and I hope it helps you understand how being an undiagonsed autistic may have made puberty an even more difficult time for you. That was certainly the case for me!
I often sit back and reflect on my childhood. Well, what I can remember at least. For me, my childhood is a blur. I can remember certain events and places, mostly just traces of fading memories.
However, my teenage years stick out vividly. A time which I found incredibly difficult, and for a variety of different reasons. I was diagnosed Autistic at the age of 25, so throughout adolescence I had no explanation for the events that occurred.
Growing up different and the Struggle of School
I stuck out; I was the class ‘weirdo’. I had a different communication style, different mannerisms, a different style and different interests. I was different. All the things that made me different are things that I now embrace and being diagnosed I’m able to look back and understand.
In primary school, I had a small group of friends. A group of girls I’d hang around with during break times. In high school, this all changed. I was split up from the majority of the group, leaving me with one friend. At this point everything was new, and I struggled to adjust. I clung to my friend for dear life. I was in a sea of people and she was my life jacket keeping me afloat. She was the social butterfly, who fit in with absolutely everyone. Even though I tried, I couldn’t be like her.
I created my mask in high school as a survival technique, so I could blend in with my peers. It didn’t work. In fact, it made things dramatically worse. It was so obvious I was trying to fit in, and this just made the bullying I experienced worse. I tried to hide who I was underneath layers of fake confidence, pushing my identity to the bottom. At home I’d play with toys, I’d be myself.. but this
stopped as soon as I hit the school gate. Honestly, its okay to like what you like. It’s okay to stim. It’s okay to be the ‘weirdo’. You are what makes you… you.
School for me wasn’t fun, or easy or enjoyable. I would spend my mornings crying, screaming, begging to stay home, which rarely worked. I needed the time at home, to rest, little did I know I was burnt out. I was scared to go to school. The people were mean, the teachers didn’t understand me, and the work was too hard. I was falling behind, and at that point I didn’t really care. I wish I cared, I
wish I had the support, that people helped me more. I wish I was diagnosed.
learning to cope with changes
Amidst all the social pressures, my body was also developing physically. This also came with challenges. Measuring up to the expectations of my friends, which at the time I couldn’t. I didn’t have a big chest, or wear a bra at that age, I didn’t shave my legs, all things that made me a loser. Because I was developing slower, it meant I was excluded from a lot of conversations. To be honest, I didn’t understand them anyway. Looking back I wish I had told myself not to worry, not to compare myself to others. To understand that we all develop differently, that our bodies are fine the way they are, and we don’t have to be anyone else but ourselves.
During adolescence there were so many things which added to my already bursting anxiety. One of the main difficulties I had was with my periods. I started my period sitting in my grandma’s garden whilst having a teddy bears picnic. Panicked, I told my mum. I didn’t really understand or process this
sort of stuff. All I knew is that I was bleeding, and that it was a thing girls went through. It was a confusing time for me, and to be honest still is. I didn’t like the sanitary products, they were itchy. They smelt funny and they were so uncomfortable. I would spend ages in the toilet rearranging the pads in my underwear, whilst crying, trying not to become overwhelmed. I was so aware of every single sensation, and that made things ten times worse. But it was normal, I was like everyone else, this was just a part of growing up, I felt invalidated. Little did I know I was Autistic, until I reached about 17.
Now as an adult I still struggle with my periods, and sanitary products still scare me. Tampons and moon cups terrify me, in case they get stuck, and pads don’t ever sit right. I’m still extremely sensitive to all of this, which doesn’t make things easy. I wish I had tried more products earlier, it’s like trial and error to find what works for you, and that is perfectly okay. You need to find out for
yourself what works and what doesn’t. What works for your friends may not be comfortable for you, this is fine too.
Conclusion
Honestly, being diagnosed was the best thing ever, it gave me a sense of understanding. But I do wish I had been diagnosed earlier, as I believe it would have helped me so much going through adolescence. If I had known there would have been more understanding from both my parents and peers, and I would have had an explanation for my behaviours and sensitivities.
People say, “Well we all go through it, it’s not nice”. No, its not nice, and yes we do all go through it. But for an Autistic person things are heightened, interactions are more confusing, friendships don’t make sense, and sensory sensitives are intensified. There’s so much more to puberty for us, and I wish
our feelings and our sensations were not constantly invalidated.
Puberty was hell, but we can learn from our experiences and help the next generation, all the young Autistic children, all those undiagnosed and struggling. We have the potential to educate and spread the knowledge we have. Starting here, with this blog.
