How to Practice Self-Love as a Neurodivergent Adult

There’s all kinds of talk about self-love these days. But what does it mean to actually practice self-love?

There’s no denying the importance of it. But as neurodivergent adults, self-love sometimes looks a lot different for us than it does for neurotypicals. We all practice self-love a little differently, even as neurodivegent people, and that’s totally fine.

But when it all comes down to it, I believe there are some pretty central ways that we can all practice self-love as neurodivergent adults. With all this self-love talk, how can actually put self-love into action?

That’s why I wanted to create a post sharing 12 ways to practice self-love, but specifically for neurodivergent adults! We definitely don’t have all of the same needs – but these are some pretty central ones that I think most of us will resonate with a lot. Also, if you’re a teen or kid reading this, these tips apply to you as well! 🙂

1. Celebrate your wins, whatever that looks like for you.

Success is different for everyone. Your success might be eating healthy meals and showering. It may also be not procrastinating on your homework, following a routine, finding work you love, going to the grocery store, or cooking a full meal for yourself.

Never shame yourself for whatever that looks like for you.. and don’t shame anyone else for their version, either. We’re all different and we grow and evolve at different places.. and that isn’t bad at all. In fact, it’s beautiful.

For me, success looks likes following a routine and getting all of my work done before a reasonable hour.. this doesn’t happen much, because I’m almost constantly working. But when it does, I’m damn proud of myself.

Accepting and owning that your version of success looks different than someone else’s version of success is a beautifully authentic way to practice self-love.

tips for celebrating your wins:

• Give yourself full permission to get as excited as you want about your wins.
• Don’t let anyone shame you for celebrating something they see as insignificant.
• Write down your achievements and read them to yourself when you need encouragement.
• Be grateful for what you achieved.
• Give yourself a small reward for your achievements.
• Share your wins with someone you know will be proud of you.

2. be aware of your sensory needs:

Autistic people and those with ADHD tend to have a lot of sensory differences. Some even have Sensory Processing Disorder, which is a condition where the brain has difficulty absorbing and responding to sensory input of all kinds.

Everyone with sensory processing difficulties will be sensitive to different things. For example, I’m extremely sensitive to florescent light, sunlight, and blue light.. which is why I rely on different kinds of glasses to help me with these sensitivities.

When I expose myself to too much uncomfortable light, I either pass out, get a migraine, or just become extremely overwhelmed. It isn’t pretty. The first time I ever visited Disneyland, I got super heated from the sun, and I passed out.. and then I had to go to the E.R. I passed out right before I sat down to eat the food I just paid for. I didn’t get to eat it. It fucking sucked!

Some of us are sensitive to certain food textures and find them unbearable. Maybe you can’t handle certain textures of clothing, types of physical touch, or really loud noises. Everyone’s sensory needs are different. That’s why it’s so important that you learn what yours’ are and the best ways to manage them. Practice self-love by taking care of your sensory needs!

tips for Managing sensory needs:

• If you’re not ready to publicly disclose your sensory needs, tell people you have a migraine and aren’t able to handle bright lights and loud noises.
• Pay attention to how you feel and learn your sensory needs.
• Setup your environment to satisfy your sensory needs as much as possible.
• Use sensory aids like sunglasses, headphones, earplugs, sleep masks, etc.
• Don’t be afraid to speak up for your sensory needs when you need to.

3. make gratitude a daily priority.

A gratitude practice has completely changed my life. For almost a full year, I’ve been listing three things that I’m grateful for every morning. Even when I’m not in a great mood, doing this practice helps so much. It helps me appreciate my life and everything I already have.. and it also gives me a deep sense of compassion for those who have experienced horrible things that I’ll probably never have to experience.

As human beings, we’re all going to suffer in some way during our lifetime. That’s just how it is. Some of us will suffer a lot less than others.. and that really sucks. Sometime we create our own suffering and sometimes we can’t control it. But no matter what, I believe we can all find something to be thankful for.

Gratitude is so empowering. It definitely helped me shift my mindset from a place of self-pity, rumination, and negativity to one of compassion and love.

tips for practicing gratitude:

• Make a simple list of 2-3 things you’re grateful for every day. I like doing this at the start of every day.
• Use gratitude to manifest your goals by being grateful for everything you’ve already accomplished, including the little things.
• Look for what you can be grateful for about difficult circumstances and hard things.
• Replace ‘I have to do blank’ with ‘I get to do blank’ and see how empowered you feel.
• Know your suffering is valid, but remember that there are people experiencing more suffering than you’ll probably ever know.
• Find little things to be grateful for every day.

4. surround yourself with people who love you and support your differences.

You have to surround yourself with people like this. It’s so important! I wouldn’t be where I am today without having support from the right people for the last few years. My friends, my family, and my cat mean everything to me. I’m beyond grateful for them.

If you have good friends, prioritize spending regular time with them. Your mental health will thank you for it. If you don’t have many friends right now, don’t give up! For years, I didn’t have a lot of friends either. I always had some friends, but I wanted more of them.

Today, I’m very happy with all of my friends.. and I don’t really want or need anymore right now. Friendship is rewarding, but it’s also work. And right now, I only have enough time to maintain a few really solid friendships.. except for online friendships! I’ve been making a lots of great connections in the neurodiversity community that I’ve been really thankful for.

I’ve met most of my current friends through pursuing my different interests. I met my friend Sonia at a blogging conference I attended a few years ago. I met my friend Kyra through someone I met on a vintage fashion group on Facebook… and then Kyra introduced me to a bunch of other people who we’re both great friends with now!

Look for friends with similar interests as you. Take classes, attend conferences, and go to workshops that interest you, and see who you meet. If meeting people in public is too intimidating, look for people online who share your interests.

TIps for surrounding yourself with supportive people:

• Minimize interactions with people who deplete your energy and refuse to accept your neurodivergent traits. If needed, eliminate your interactions with these people altogether.
• Plan at least a few times a month to get together with supportive friends.
• Find meaningful online community with others in the neurodiversity and disability communities. Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook groups are wonderful places for this!
• Attend in-person interested based events to find like-minded friends.

5. pursue your special interests.

Autistic people and those with ADHD have special interests. Some of these interests are socially acceptable, and some aren’t. You might have one major special interest or a lot of different special interests. Everyone has different special interests, which is why it’s important that we don’t judge ourselves or anyone else for them!

As neuorodivergent adults, we have to prioritize whatever it is we’re interested in. We owe it to ourselves and our mental health! By nurturing your interests, you’re giving your mind more time to focus on whatever the hell it wants, and that sometimes that leads to really amazing things.

Many neurodivergent adults find pursuing special interests so healing and necessary. Special interests are how we cope when life feels particularly stressful and we fall out of our routines.. or at least, that’s how I deal when that happens to me.

As an autistic woman who also has ADHD, I’ve had many different interests throughout my life. Some have been socially acceptable, and some haven’t. In fifth grade, I was intensely obsessed with Drake Bell and carried his photo with me everywhere.. and in fourth grade, I read every book I could get my hands on about the Holocaust, and wouldn’t stop talking about it. These days, I can’t spend enough time writing, maintaining my personal wellness and development, learning about entrepreneurship, and journaling.

Giving myself plenty of time to pursue my special interests has healed me a lot and brought me so much happiness. Give yourself this same gift and pursue interests that bring you joy.

Tips for embracing your special interests:

• Be proud of your special interests, and don’t let anyone shame you for loving anything they believe doesn’t fit social norms. Also, tell them social norms aren’t even real.
• Surround yourself with other people you can share your interests with.
• Make time every week to do something related to your special interests for fun.

6. calm your mind every day.

You have to find ways to calm your mind… and it doesn’t have to be meditation, if you don’t want it to be. Although, if you’ve never meditated, I recommend at least trying it. It’s helped me so much with executive functioning and emotional regulation. It may not work for you, but there’s a really good chance it could! If you want to learn more, check out my blog post, Meditation for Overactive Minds: 10 Best Tips. Also, if you’d like to read about all the health benefits of meditation, click here.

A lot of us neurodivergent people have incredibly fast minds. This manifests in different ways for everyone, and there a lot of benefits that come with it. But, that doesn’t mean that it isn’t sometimes challenging and exhausting.. because it totally is.

In the last two years, I’ve gotten really good at calming my mind. I’m much happier and peaceful than I’ve ever been in my life. I rarely get upset at stupid things anymore. My energy levels are higher than they’ve ever been, because I’m giving my brain time to rest, instead of getting burnt out. Here are the calming activities that have been helping me practice self-love for my brain.

Calming activity ideas:

• Meditation
• Journaling
• Yoga
• A walk in nature
• 25 minute nap
• Coloring
• Deep breathing

7. SET BOUNDARIES AND LEARN TO SAY ‘NO’.

If boundaries aren’t your strong point, I can so relate. Last year, my boundaries were horrible. This year, they’re amazing. I’ve become extremely aware of what does and doesn’t work for me. Boundaries are everything. That’s why I no longer hold space for anything that doesn’t serve me.

Last year, I went on a super weird date with this guy I met at a furniture store. I only met him briefly, because he was helping my mom choose new furniture for her living room. Anyway, before we went out, he was texting me a lot. Like sending me lots of selfies, pictures of his dinner, and his workout routine. Oh, and he was being really flirtatious, which completely grossed me the fuck out. I just can’t deal with all of that immediate affection and expectation from people I’m dating. I find it completely repulsive unless I also share an instant mutual attraction for them. But even then.. I need my own damn space!

I also didn’t know how to trust myself a year ago like I do now. So, leading up to this date, I had so much anxiety and horrible feelings surrounding it. But, I would’ve felt like a complete ass for canceling. I didn’t yet have the self-awareness to realize I was going into that experience with the wrong intention, and that it would’ve been better for everyone if I’d just canceled.

mistakes made and lessons learned

So, I went, a completely anxious wreck. I thought, “I’ll really give this my best shot for a few minutes.”, already wishing the night could be over already. We went to this steakhouse in Orlando. I tried my best to make polite conversation for a few minutes, still wishing I could be anywhere but there. He rambled on about his money and complimented my appearance a lot, which I definitely found off-putting. Eventually, I mentioned that I was autistic, and his response was, “Oh, well you seem fine to me.”

Yeah, no chance in hell was this going to go anywhere. At this point, I immediately begin plotting my exit, feeling anxious and uncomfortable as shit. The bright lights, the noise, and the fact that I was going to have to try and verbalize actual words to disappoint someone in tactful way just felt like too much. Looking back, I should’ve just left at that moment.

I won’t get into all the details of the rest of that night. It ended pretty quickly, with me very bluntly (and as politely as I could muster), telling him that I appreciated the chance to meet him but didn’t see things progressing romantically at all. It was a little hard to convince him of that, but soon enough, I got my point across. He was upset and disappointed.. and I think he almost started crying. I was just thrilled to be going home.

use your past boundary failures as learning experiences.

That experience taught me a lot. It’s showed me to never second guess how I feel about anyone again – my first feelings are usually correct. It also taught me that I don’t have to bend over backwards for people, and that not doing so does not make me an ass. It just makes me someone with boundaries who knows how to stand up for herself! I also learned to think more seriously about the things I say ‘yes’ too, because my mental health and well-being is so worth being protected.

Tips for Setting Boundaries:

• The more you say ‘no’, the more room you’ll have to focus on the right priorities.
• Before saying ‘yes’ to anything, ask yourself if it serves you and what you want most.
• When you say ‘no’, you only have more time and energy to focus on what matters most to you.
• When you tell people ‘no’, you’re showing them that you have boundaries that demand respect.
• Remember that you are a human who deserves boundaries, space, and sanity.
• Remind yourself of everything you’ll never get to say ‘yes’ to if you never learn to say ‘no’ first.

8. stim.

Just in case you aren’t familiar with this term, stimming is when an autistic person uses some form of repetitive bodily movements to release stress and manage their emotions. Every person on the spectrum stims differently. Hand rubbing, hair twirling, rocking back and forth, and hand flapping are just a few examples of stims. There are so many different ways to stim!

Personally, I choose to stim by pacing around my house at night listening to music.. and sometimes the same song on repeat. This calms me down, helps me process my thoughts, and releases energy. When I’m in public, or even just trying to focus on any conversation, I stim by rubbing my nails against my fingers.

It’s so important that you recognize your stims and have no shame for them, whatever they are. We are all different, and so are our bodies. Different stims will feel better to all kinds of autistic people. Stimming is an incredible tool that we can use to calm our minds and regulate our emotions.

tips for stimming:

• Find stims that work for you and don’t shame yourself for them.
• Whether you stim publicly, privately, or both is entirely up to you.
• Don’t let anyone make fun of you for how you stim.
• Make time to stim, especially when you’re stressed or going through a hard time.

9. use positive self-talk.

How do you speak to yourself? Is it kind, compassionate, and understanding.. the same way you’d speak to someone you love? Or is it deeply negative or critical?

When we speak poorly to ourselves, we’re hurting ourselves so much. We may not realize this, but we are. If we’re only used to negative self-talk, it’s going to take a little time for positive self-talk to truly feel normal.. but once you arrive at that place, it’s so sweet and absolutely worth it.

I’ve been actively changing my self-talk in the last year. One year ago, I was still working to resist all my negative self-talk that I really wanted to give into. I fought so hard to make this positive change in my life. I kept fighting, and now it no longer feels like a fight. Positive self-talk has become my norm, and it feels so good.

If you want to improve your self-talk, you’re probably going to have to fight to make it happen. That’s okay, because the best things in life are worth fighting for. When you keep resisting your negativity, no matter how loudly it screams, it will eventually become much harder for you to hear it.. because you’ll be too focused on looking for all the good in you and in the world.

tips for changing negative self-talk:

• Speak to yourself the same way you’d speak to a good friend.
• When talking about what you lack, include ‘yet’ at the end of every sentence.
• Learn to laugh at your mistakes.
• Try to see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you.
• Look for the logic in your thoughts. If there isn’t much, those thoughts are probably rooted more in emotion and aren’t very reliable.

10. don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks.

I wasted so much of my life caring way too much about people’s opinions opinions.. and I’m determined to never make that mistake again. Masking made me subconsciously believe I had to be perfect and please everyone.. because it was the only way I knew how to be liked. Autistic masking enhanced my natural people pleasing tendencies to an even more unhealthy degree.

“When you learn about masking and then start unmasking, you see the real toll it’s taken on your mental health.

After educating myself about masking and also unmasking myself, I’m truly seeing how freeing it is to not give a fuck. Unmasking is a completely different experience for all of us. Your unmasking experience may not be what my unmasking experience has been like.. but I bet they’ll share at least a few similarities.

When you learn about masking and then start unmasking, you see the real toll it’s taken on your mental health. By now, a lot of you have probably realized that it’s too damn exhausting and isn’t worth it. Masking only represses our true selves and continues to feed the idea that we need to please people in order to be liked.. but at what cost? Being miserable, burnt out, and depressed, all for the sake of social approval? Hell, fucking no!

Unmasking and ‘not giving a fuck’ aren’t practices you can master or accomplish over night. They take a lot of hard work and patience. Also, I want to mention that unmasking is sometimes a scary and overwhelming experience. If you’re not in a safe or confident enough place to unmask, please don’t. Get to a safe place first. Build up your inner confidence and self-esteem. As you do that, it will feel easier to be your most authentic, natural self around people. Whenever you’re ready, you can start unmasking and and stop giving a fuck.. and you’ll get your first, beautiful taste of freedom.

Tips to stop giving a fuck:

• We all have one life and we’re all going to die. Life is too damn short to be dictated by what others think.
• People are too concerned with themselves to care about you anyway.
• When you stop caring what people think, it makes unmasking a lot easier.
• Not caring what people think sets you up for authentic connections, because you’ll only attract people who love you for you.

11. Practice self-love by Setting realistic goals.

I know this is something that so many neurodivergent people struggle with, myself included. Struggles with depression, anxiety, and executive functioning often get in the way of completing goals. Specifically, many people with ADHD (such as myself) set a lot of unrealistic goals, get either bored or burnt out, and then accomplish none of them.

Sometimes, I look back at my old planners and laugh at the ridiculous things I thought I could accomplish in such a short span of time. I rarely ever accomplished these goals, which made my already low self-esteem even lower.

These days, setting realistic goals is something I’m extremely mindful of. Its taken me a lot of trial and error to learn how to set achievable goals I could accomplish, but I’m finally learning now. I consider all of my failures with past goal setting as part of the process that taught me to set reasonable goals and accomplish them.

tips for setting goals:

• Only give yourself a few things to achieve every day.
• Find your ‘why’ for what you want to achieve. Is it a strong enough reason?
• What is your why for completing your goals? If it isn’t strong enough, it may not be worth it to you.
• Don’t be discouraged if it takes you a few times to meet your goals.
• If you still aren’t meeting your goals, they might not be realistic for you.

12. stop feeling shame for where you aren’t, and start Appreciating where you are.

Shame stopped me from appreciating so much about my life for years. It told me I was pathetic for still living at home in my mid-twenties and still struggling to find my way in the world. I saw all of society’s expectations for me, and I felt so crippled, because I just couldn’t live up to them.

Shame didn’t remind me of any of the good decisions I’ve made in the last years.. like leaving a toxic relationship, eating really healthy overall, improving my executive functioning, and learning how to care for my mental health.

Stop feeling shame for where you aren’t, and start appreciating where you are and how far you’ve come. You may not see it, but you’ve probably come so much further than you think. Honor it, celebrate it, and be proud of it. You’re exactly where you need to be right now. As long as you do your part, the Universe will help you make all of the pieces come together.

tips for loving where you are:

• Be thankful for all the people in your life now, because they won’t always be around.
• Look for ways to use your current experiences to help you achieve the goals you’re working towards now.
• Exercise to get out of your head and reconnect with your body.
• See wherever you are right now as a part of your story that makes it unique and beautiful.

conclusion

Self-love is a lifelong practice that never ends. If you think you’re bad at self-love, see every day as an opportunity to love yourself more – because that’s what it is. If you have a day where you feel you didn’t love yourself like you should’ve, don’t judge or shame yourself for it. Instead, see it as a learning experience you can to love yourself even better tomorrow.

Remember that as you practice self-love. Remember that self-love is never something any of us will ever fully arrive at. We can get a lot better at it, but we’ll still be learning how to love ourselves for more the rest of our lives.