How to Be a Single Neurodivergent Adult

As a single neurodivergent adult, I’ve never been happier in my life than I am right now. Truly. I’ve wasted too many years being in the wrong relationship and caring about the wrong people, and I’m done.

Because of subconscious masking, I lived the first twenty years of my life believing that everyone always knew better than I did. So naturally, it made sense to seek happiness outside of myself too. This is why I’ve looked to love and relationships to fill a need that that I should’ve been finding from within all along. I wanted to be enough, wanted to belong.. but I never knew how to find that feeling in myself, as much as much as I tried.

all you’ve ever wanted is you.

Since learning that I’m autistic, I’ve come so alive to the belief that all of my happiness, magic, and power comes from within. I believe that now more than ever. It’s what gave me the strength and motivation to say ‘no’ to dating for the next few years. That may be the right decision for you, and it may not be – only you can decide that.

Whether you’re not dating at all, single but dating, single struggling to date, or anything else, I want you to experience deep happiness from within. I want you to know that happiness comes from you and nobody else!

In this blog post, I’m going to share everything I’ve learned about finding happiness as a single neurodivergent adult. It’s taken me some time to get to the happy place I’m in right now. It may also take you some time, as well. I don’t know your exact situation to say. Wherever you are, I believe there’s at least some happiness you can find right now. It might not be a lot of happiness at first. You have to trust whatever process you’re in and believe that things will continue improving for you.

here’s what you’ll learn:

• How to find beauty wherever you are.
• Why you need to practice mindfulness.
• Why you must fall in love with yourself first.
• How to use your failed dating experiences to your advantage.
• Why now is the perfect time to focus on your special interests.
• Why you can’t hold onto bitterness and why forgiveness benefits you the most.
• Why you need to be authentic and not give a fuck what anyone thinks.

find beauty wherever you are now.

Wherever you are, there’s always something you can appreciate. Until last year, I didn’t know how to do that. I’m in my mid-twenties, still living at home, still working side jobs, and at that time, struggling with depression and an overall lack of motivation.

I hated where I was in my life. Still felt so frustrated to only just be learning about my differences until my twenties. How much further along could I have been by if I’d only gotten diagnosed earlier? Questions like these plagued my mind every day, only weighing me down with more shame.

I was stuck in my shame for years. It took me years to see how stuck I was and start breaking out of it. For me, that wasn’t a one time decision – it was intentionally choosing to not give into all of my old, negative, and critical thoughts about myself. No matter how badly I wanted to at times.. and believe me, sometimes I really wanted to.

your existence is a miracle.

Once I stopped seeing myself as the sad, awkward autistic girl still living at home in her twenties and still struggling to find motivation, my whole world changed. I realized that everything we tell ourselves is a story, and we all have the same ability to change that story.

I’m no longer attached to any of that story now, and it’s beyond freeing. For the first time in my life, my eyes can finally see the beauty of everything around me. The beauty that was always there, but that was hidden behind my attachment to how my life should be going. Being free from shame has helped me enjoy the little parts of my day even more, like hearing my cat’s purrs and laughing with my family. Even simple things like brushing my teeth!

happiness is now.

As neurodivergent adults, shame is often what stops from seeing the beauty in where we are. Not getting wrapped up in where we might be ten years from now if we work hard enough and get our shit together. Definitely not getting lost in the sadness for who we might’ve been if we’d only gotten help sooner.

None of that does any good for us at all. I know most of who I want to be in the next 10 years, and I’m working my ass off to get there now. I’ve become very ambitious and motivated, but I don’t find my worth in what I’m pursuing.

You are so worthy and enough, right now. Just as you are. Love yourself, accept yourself. Stop resisting what feels right for you. Decide that your life is going to be a continual process of you becoming better overtime. Have dreams and work hard to achieve them. But, don’t believe that your life will only get better until after you’ve achieved them.

Love your life now. Treasure the people in your life, because they won’t all be their tomorrow. See every day as a gift, every mistake as a teacher, and every moment as a miracle. It’s such a miracle that any of us are even here, existing and experiencing life at all. Truly. The odds are like four million to one, yet here you are, because your parents had sex. Pretty crazy shit, right?

The very fact that you exist is amazing. I know that shame and a lot of other negative voices in our heads can make it feel like everything is falling apart, including ourselves. Those voices feel so real, but they aren’t. They’re just stories, nothing more.

Everything is right now. Not getting a diagnosis until adulthood really sucks. It sucks that we could’ve lived better lives if we’d gotten the support we needed sooner. But there’s nothing we can do to change the past. When we’re stuck in the past, we’re only wasting more of our lives feeling sad and shitty, when in reality, we have the power to start changing our lives today. Don’t let regret and shame steal more of your adult life than a late diagnosis and masking already has!

See being a single neurodivergent adult as a chance, not a tragedy.

That’s why I’m done with shame. Yeah, I still live with my mom, but I’m happy. I don’t have anything close to what I want yet, but I’m valuing the process of doing what it takes to get what I want above all else. I’m focusing on what I’m becoming while pursuing my goals, and that makes me happy as hell. I acknowledge that I’ve been through shit, but I also know I’m extremely privileged. I know there are people experiencing more suffering than I’ll probably never experience in my life. Remembering that makes me consider how I can help them, and it also makes me grateful for my own experiences.

I’m grateful for where I am now, because it’s leading me to where I want to go. I value the extra time I’m getting to spend with my family. Because after losing my dad, I know how easily family can be taken away. I’m thankful for the chance of finally seeing myself and discovering myself for the first time.

In a lot of ways, that’s how I see being a late diagnosed adult – it’s a chance to unmask and discover parts of yourself that would’ve either never been discovered or lost forever. If you’ve realized how little you actually know yourself, see that as an invitation to make up for lost time and discover yourself even more right now.

You are not lost. You are exactly where you should be right now. Will you see this time that you have as a single neurodivergent adult as a sad, lonely time? Or will you make it a happy time filled with growth and self-discovery? Only you can make that choice, and are responsible for happiness you feel. No one else.

tips for loving where you are right now:

• Love and appreciate everyone in your life right now.
• Look for things to be thankful for. Record three things you’re thankful for every day.
• Look for the lessons in everything you’re experiencing right now.
• Celebrate small accomplishments, whatever that looks like for you. No shame. Tell your shame to go fuck itself!

practice mindfulness.

Mindfulness has taught my brain so much about keeping things in perspective. When we’re single, it can be easy for us to worry that we’re unlovable, we’ll never meet the right person, no one will understand us.. and so on and so forth. I know all of those things very well.

Mindfulness is defined as the process of intentionally bringing your attention fully into the present moment without judgement. After practicing mindfulness for the last two years, I’ve gotten really good at mentally taking steps back to see the bigger picture of pretty much everything.

When I started practicing mindfulness, I still had a lot of negative thoughts about myself and my ability to be in a healthy relationship one day. As I learned to use my thoughts more constructively, I started questioning those negative thoughts and getting curious about them. After getting curious about them, I realized there was no logical basis for any of my concerns. This made it so much easier to start questioning my negative self-beliefs.

why Practice mindfulness?

In this 2008 study done by Richard Chambers and others, a group of novice meditators were tested before and after an intensive 10 day mindfulness meditation retreat. After the retreat, the participants who completed the training reported less depression symptoms, less rumination, better working memory, and greater ability to focus overall.

Before practicing mindfulness, I was intensely self-aware of all my flaws and thoughts, but in a very chaotic, destructive way that wasn’t healthy. Mindfulness helped me stop judging myself, which then helped me become more self-aware and use those powers for good.

Whether you try meditation or not (it’s not for everyone, but I believe it can help a lot of people), please try at least some of these mindfulness practices. They’re really simple, and they don’t take much time. at all.. and I bet they’ll really help you! (If you’re interested in trying meditation, check out my blog post ‘Meditation for Overactive Minds: 10 Best Tips‘.)

beginners tips for practicing mindfulness:

• Notice your breathing.
• Don’t judge yourself for any of your thoughts.
• When your mind wanders, bring your attention back to your breath.
• Consider an outlet like journaling or meditation to help manage your thoughts.
• Just like you’d do while meditating, make a conscious effort to bring your mind back to whatever it is you’re doing. Not only will this help you live in the moment, it will also help you enjoy every moment more deeply.
• When you’re upset, always look for a bigger perspective outside of what’s upsetting you.

Make time to fall in love with yourself.

Please, please, please do this. You are worth so much, and you may not know it, but you are what you want most in this world.

For most of us, masking kept us from really loving ourselves growing up. At least, this was certainly true of my masking experience. I thought I loved myself, I wanted to love myself, but I didn’t. I had no idea how to even begin loving myself.

But now that I understand my differences, I do. And I won’t waste the time I have now by complaining about being single and looking outside of myself for my happiness. I’m making up for all the lost time I spent second guessing, dismissing, and hiding the me that was always there behind the mask.

get good at ignoring your negative voices.

You are such a treasure. I know that being single feels really lonely sometimes. Sometimes dating really sucks. I know how it feels to feel like you’ll never find anyone who understands you. Like you’ll never be with anyone, and you’ll just be alone forever.

I know all of those voices well. I’ve only just gotten really good at ignoring them in the last year. It’s taken me a lot of practice, consistency, and determination, so be prepared. The more you learn to ignore those voices, the less you’ll be able to hear them. This will only give you even more space to see just how fucking awesome you are right now, and how you don’t need anyone else but you!

Love the things that make you different. Recognize that without those differences, you wouldn’t be you. Focus on your strengths and be proud of them. Develop a strong relationship with yourself, and start paying attention to your self-talk, because it matters a lot. You are human, and you are so beautifully flawed and imperfect. You are enough just as you are, and I hope so much that you believe that.

my best tips for falling in love yourself:

• Create a small routine, stay consistent with it, and slowly build on it.
• Take time to explore everything that interests and fascinates you.
• Get lost in your own thoughts. Bonus points if you can do this without your phone.
• Only speak to yourself the same way that you’d speak to a friend. If you break this rule, apologize to yourself, just like you’d apologize to someone else.
• Make peace with the things that make you different. See your flaws as reasons for your strengths.
• Choose to unconditionally love and accept yourself wherever you are right now.

Choose to see Your failed dating experiences as teachers that will only make you better.

If you’ve had a generally shitty track record with dating and relationships, you’re not as far off as you might think. I believe those who fail the most learn the most. It all has to do with your ability to learn from your failures.

The fact that I spent the first five years of my adult life in and out of an unhealthy relationship doesn’t mean that I suck at relationships and am failing at love. For me, it means that I’ve learned a lot from my many fuck ups in that relationship, which will only make my next ones better. It also means that I’ll never tolerate being in a relationship with anyone I’m not absolutely crazy about. I’ll sure as hell never tolerate being in a relationship with anyone who treats me any less than what I what I deserve again.

I’ve failed a lot in love, but ultimately, I believe those failures will be the same reasons why I’ll succeed at it someday. That’s why I no longer waste energy worrying that I won’t have the kind of love that I want someday. I know I will! I’ve finally learned to trust myself again. Now, I fully trust myself to make the right choices that will lead me to what’s best for me.

use your failures to your advantage.

Our failures hold the key to making us wiser and stronger. We just have to lean into them, and look for the things they reveal to us about ourselves. If you’re taking a massively long dating sabbatical like I am, enjoy all the extra peace and quiet you’re getting right now. Use it to reflect on your past experiences, and see if you can use those experiences to learn and become better now.

If you’re dating, see every bad date as one that’s only bringing you closer to finding the right person. Be authentic and don’t give a shit what anyone you’re dating thinks of you. Especially if this is someone you think you’d like to spend the rest of your life with. You should have a zero tolerance for anyone who doesn’t accept your neurodivergent traits. Also, you should have no place for anyone who refuses to educate themselves on neurodiversity. You sure as hell don’t want any relationship with a person like that, believe me.

how to use your failed dating experiences for good:

• Be honest with yourself about your past mistakes. As fun as it is blame the other person, this does nothing but rob you of the chance to grow and become a better person. Use this to your advantage.
• Acknowledge the mistakes your past partners have made and allow yourself to feel healthy levels of anger for how their actions impacted you.
• Decide what you didn’t like about past partners and never tolerate those things again.
• Don’t discredit anything that hurt you, because it was ‘too small’, or you were just ‘too sensitive’. Give yourself full permission to feel everything that hurt you.
• If you’re having a hard time letting go of the wrong person, imagine how much more you’ll be able to love the right person someday.
• Be thankful how you’ve grown and what you’ve learned from your past experiences.

Immerse yourself in your special interests.

Please, now has never been a better time for you to go all out on what makes you happy. Absorb yourself in everything that interests you. Learn how to be fascinated by things again. Do activities that bring you joy and fuel your creativity. Maybe it’s playing music, doing comedy, building shit, baking cookies.. I don’t care, you just do you.

Special interests have been such a big part of my healing in the last few years. At the end of 2017, I felt so empty and was struggling to see meaning in every day. Being newly single, still coping with losing my dad, I was a lot more depressed than I realized at the time. I knew I was very unhappy though, and I felt so far away from the person I once aspired to be. After years of very poor executive functioning, I was seriously doubting that I could ever become her.

I felt so hopeless. But also knew that I couldn’t let that pattern continue, so I didn’t. Since that time, I’ve been finding my way back to my interests, and I’ve been discovering new interests and passions as well.

do things that inspire you and make you happy.

I’ve been listening to lots of podcasts about entrepreneurship, mindset, personal growth, and neurodiversity that have inspired me a lot. I started writing again, and I’m finally being brave enough to call myself a writer. I’ve done creative projects just for fun, like art journaling and Putz house building. If I feel I’ve earned it, I reward myself with watching a few hours of something I love on Netflix. It’s usually something involving comedy or some kind of documentary.

Because I’m not in a relationship, I have more time to do these things. And, that makes me truly happy. I love that I won’t have to share my time with anyone for a few more years. After spending the first twenty years of my life focusing on other people and looking outside of myself for fulfillment, I’m now loving all of this time I have to focus on myself and whatever the hell I want. Your singleness is a gift. I hope you’ll see it for the gift it is, and I hope you’ll use it to focus even more on whatever special interests bring you joy.

how to prioritize your special interests as a single neurodivergent adult:

• Devote a few hours of leisure time every week to doing some kind of activity that brings you joy and inspires your creativity.
• Surround yourself with other people who share your interests. If meeting new people in person is too intimidating, look for like-minded people online and start there.
• Commit to spending a few minutes every day improving a skill that you enjoy doing, even if it’s only fifteen minutes.
• Give yourself full permission to explore whatever you’re interested in. Especially if what interests you isn’t socially acceptable!

Forgive anyone you’re holding onto bad feelings for, including yourself.

If you want to be happy, you have to forgive the people who hurt you. You need to let go of the bad feelings you have for anyone, yourself included.

I’ve been hurt a lot in love. I’ve been mistreated, and I’ve also tolerated being mistreated. At the same time, I know I’ve also mistreated other people. I haven’t always been honest with my feelings when I should’ve been. I know I’ve hurt other people, and I deeply regret making those mistakes.

I’ve mostly worked through the anger I have from all of my past experiences, but sometimes I still feel it. When it comes back, I remind myself that it’s valid. I also remind myself that I’m not the only person to experience hurt from love, and that I’ve also made choices that hurt other people a lot.

Remembering this things reminds me that we’re all just human. We all experience hurt, and we all hurt each other. Even if someone did something really terrible to us, we aren’t helping ourselves by holding onto feelings of bitterness for them. Our ego makes us think we are, but we’re actually hurting ourselves the most.

Don’t let that ex who treated you so horribly control the rest of your life now. Feel anger for yourself, but don’t get lost in your anger. Don’t let the anger become bitterness that influences your behavior in future relationships. Feel the feel the anger, but don’t be consumed by it. Recognize that you’re also a human being who has hurt other human beings. Forgive yourself for hurting people, and forgive everyone who has hurt you. If you want to be free from the hurt you’ve experienced, it’s up to you to forgive everyone who has hurt you.

tips for getting good at forgiveness:

• Know that forgiveness won’t be a one time decision, especially if you’ve been significantly hurt. You’ll have to consciously choose forgiveness every time you feel anger for that person. The more you choose forgiveness, the easier it will be to forgive.
• Think of all the extra space you’ll have in your mind when you let go of bitterness.
• Remember that you’re a human being who has also hurt other human beings.
• Write a letter to the person who hurt you. If you don’t want to send it to them, burn it or tear it up later. I don’t recommend putting it on the internet.
• Have empathy for the people who hurt you (depending on what they did) and have empathy for yourself too.

be authentic and don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks.

I used to care so much about what the people would think of me. Now, I couldn’t give a fuck about that at all. I have no interest in being with anybody who doesn’t love me for me. Especially someone I could see spending the rest of my life with! Seriously, do you know much it would suck to be in a marriage like that?

You need to get so comfortable being yourself that you have no concerns with how that might affect your dating life. The more yourself you are, the easier it will be for you to attract the people who will truly love you for you. If they don’t like you, you’ve saved yourself and them the trouble of being in the wrong relationship.

If there’s anything I’ve learned about dating, it’s that it’s infinitely better to be alone than be with the wrong person. You have to value yourself and be authentic enough to not give a shit about who wants to date you. If you show up as yourself, you’ll eventually attract the right person or people into your life.

It’s taken me some time to get comfortable with being myself. Masking often made it hard for me to even recognize when I was being inauthentic. As I’ve continued unmasking, I’ve only been able to see more of my authentic self. Every day, I’m focusing on becoming more of that person, and every day the masked, insecure me is dying a little bit more.

tips for living authentically as a single neurodivergent adult:

• If you struggle with overthinking, try to remember what your first thought was. When in doubt, go back to that thought. Your first thoughts aren’t always right, but a lot of the time they are.
• Remember that by being yourself, you’re setting yourself up to create meaningful and lasting relationships that will bring you real joy – not just romantic ones.
• Use tools like journaling, prayer, and meditation to stay in touch with who you are and your core values.
• Find ways to speak your truth to others. Use whatever form of communication you’re most comfortable with.
• Expand your comfort zone and do things that scare you.. even if your scary thing looks different than someone else’s scary thing.
• Learn how to trust your gut and be lead by your intuition (meditation helps me a lot with that).

conclusion

With our society putting so much emphasis on relationships, we have to continually remind ourselves that our worth and happiness should not come from them. Relationships can bring us more happiness, but only when we learn how to be happy by ourselves first.

I hope you found this post helpful. I hope it’s been a reminder that all of your happiness exists within you, and it’s up to you to discover it.. because it is.

Is there anything you would add to this post? If so, leave a comment below and let me know!